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Surviving Those Two Little Words; “IT’S OVER”
by John Elliott aka Oaky Wood©2006
There is no greater emotional pain that can be inflicted upon anyone than the announcement by a spouse/partner that “it’s over” and they want a divorce/separation, or they feel the love has disappeared from your relationship. I personally, having now been a single parent myself for over 10 years, know too well those feelings of being in a loveless marriage, the trapped emptiness feelings inside, and deep sensations of despair and complete loneliness. Even if you’ve endured the years of torment beforehand, and you both “saw it coming” for quite some time, and the actual announcement really comes as no big surprise, the actual realization that all is “now over” is still quite like a bomb exploding in your heart, and your inner self worth takes the plunge of a lifetime, a white knuckle roller-coaster ride that no theme park could ever match, or even wish to.
Such an announcement by either party it’s now “out in the open”, and actual admissions that the person you once lovingly held hands with, in front of the preacher, your God and your friends, so many years ago. The person you promised to love, honour, cherish and respect, be supportive of, and stand beside in sickness and health, through all the good times and bad, for richer and for poorer, now no longer wants you, your love nor your support in their life.
“YOU” have been rejected, and is such a blow to your emotional equilibrium, that it is just about the most stressful and damaging illness you’ll ever have to face in your entire lifetime.
Be that as it may, it is of the utmost importance that when such a pain descends upon you, you yourself realize that you really can recover, that you will eventually recover from it all, and that this is in reality, an opportunity for you to attain the true total happiness you deserve according to your own needs and expectations. It most certainly will be hard, in fact, it will probably be just about the most difficult thing you’ve ever done in your entire life, but you must immediately and absolutely turn the page on this chapter of your life, don’t look back or dwell on the “what if’s”, accept the fact that everything is truly over with this relationship and move on. You must quickly and absolutely sever all ties with this person, the one who is now inflicting such pain upon you.
Get them out of your house and life as soon as possible. Get rid of all things that remind you of them, this is so important, don’t sit around in your depressed state feeling sorry for yourself, or clinging to the vain hope of re-conciliation, it only rarely ever happens, and unless the fundamental issues of your relationship breakdown are addressed fully and openly, then resolved, then you’ll only be inflicting more pain upon yourself in the long run. Accept its over between you and move on. Change your phone number. If necessary, you yourself move into a new home or apartment. You must put an immediate end to this relationship/marriage, and you must do it now. Once your partner has announced to you that they no longer want you as a husband/wife/partner, you have to start thinking of your own survival and your own future.
Yes it’s going to be similar to losing a vital part of your body, the deep sense of loss, the longing inside as your heart aches and grieves for your loss, but you must let go, and the sooner you do let this chapter in your life end, the sooner you’ll be able to set about rebuilding your life and ultimately finding your own path to finding the happiness you yourself deserve.
Between these transitional stages from when your partner announces the end of your relationship, and the time you find that true happiness, you’re going to hurt like you’ve never dreamed possible. You’ll lay awake at night crying to yourself. You’re going to go through a number of mental and emotional phases, all of which are perfectly normal and a necessary process in order for you to “heal yourself” of these great hurts.
You’ll never be able to enjoy love again, or attain your own true happiness until you have discharged the past from your system, and begun to heal yourself. Like the grief you feel for someone dying, you need closure, before you can continue.
Think of all that you are going through as a wound similar to a gash on your arm or leg. Yes it’s going to hurt like crazy, and you’re going to bleed, but with proper care and time, you will recover. You must understand that break ups in relationships and divorces are quite common, you are not alone, nor are you going through anything that a lot of other people haven’t already experienced, and that in order to “get well,” you must understand the nature of your wound, what to do in order to heal it, and as much about the pre-requisites to your total recovery.
At first, you’ll probably deny that all this is happening to you. You may pretend to your friend and family, that it’s just a bad dream or some sort of sick bad joke your ex-partner is pulling on you. This thinking is normal, but it only prolongs the agony of your hurt. You must face the reality of the situation, accept the fact that your marriage/relationship is over, and get on with finding your own happiness immediately. Your ex has begun to move on by the announcement, now it’s your turn.
You’ll probably lay awake in bed at night and review “every minute” of your relationship, thinking that in “this” or “that” circumstance, you could’ve been a better partner a more attentive lover, and from there beg for another chance. You’ll even accept full responsibility, or at least a big share of the blame, for the problems that caused your break up, you may even try and gain emotional sympathy from your estranged partner.
Again all these thoughts and actions are only natural, but they cannot mend your broken relationship, and any attempt to “try one more time” is futile, and can only prolong the agony, and cause you even greater pain. You must accept the fact its all over, and busy your mind and body, with activities that don’t allow you time to “rehash” the events of the past.
Don’t allow yourself to dwell upon guilt feelings. Remember it takes two people to make a relationship/marriage work, and they come apart because of the differences in the two people involved. No one is perfect, and happiness in life is always a matter of learning from our own past mistakes. Happiness within your past relationship was never guaranteed, and its to late looking for it once the “it’s over” stage is reached, so don’t clutch at straws, or try to hold water in a colander.
Accept your own shortcomings, vow that you will benefit from what you’ve experienced, and then get on with your life. You’ll never be comfortable with yourself, nor find real happiness so long as you’re dragging “guilt feelings” from your past with you like a millstone around your neck. Cast off the yoke of “guilt”
To recover from the trauma of separation/divorce, you have to understand the injury, apply the proper medicine, then allow enough time for the natural healing process to be completed, and all the while, be positive that tomorrow will be a better and happier day for you. It’s a kind of recovery therapy that only you can apply and control, the end results are entirely up to you.
Mother Teresa of Calcutta once wrote in one of her poems, “You have one life, so live it” so take her words to heart and begin to rebuild it today, and simply go for it.
By
John Elliott
Aka Oaky Wood©2006
John Elliott aka Oaky Wood is the resident Agony Uncle and co-founder of "The Corner 4 Women©2006" http://thecorner4women.com is a Poet, writer, artist, webmaster and designer. He is also the owner of the Oakwood Grafix©2005 Group of websites http://www.oakwoodgrafix.co.uk/
This article may be reproduced provided it is unedited in any way with all links intact, and the copyright is retained by its original author above.
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