Hi Phil,

It'll happen to all of us sooner or later so we may as well accept it with grace and a smile. :)

Shalom,

Peter

Observations on Growing Older

~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them

...but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good.

Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"...

they add "for your age!"

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.

Now you get discounts on everything...

movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

~You forget names ... but it's OK because other people

forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose

is now 15 and you have a better chance

of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never going

to be really good at anything .... especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you

to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do,

you no longer care to do,

but you really do care that you

don't care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair

with the TV blaring than he does in bed.

It's called his "pre-sleep".

~Remember when your mother said,

"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?

Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say,

"I hope my kids GET married...

Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked

with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ...

were unheard of, and a mouse was something

that made you climb on a table.

~You used to use more 4 letter words ...

"what?"..."when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford

expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys,

but he's home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your husband has retired ...

you'd give anything if he'd find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ...

2 of which you will never wear.

~~~~But old is good in some things:

old songs,

old movies,

And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Hi Peter,

Thanks so much for stopping by and thanks for the Grins, and I'd even say a few Guffaws.

Speaking of Oldies but Goodies, here's a few you might enjoy...

THE STAGES OF SUCCESS

At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is...having friends.

At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is...having sex.

At age 35 success is...having money.

At age 50 success is...having money.

At age 60 success is...having sex.

At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is...having friends.

At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants

__________

LOOKING GOOD

My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn't dirty. The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.

I think I might never put my glasses back on.

__________

AT THE BAR THE OTHER NIGHT

An elderly looking gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

__________

THE RETIREMENT HOME

A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer he realized that they were all stark naked.

He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were nine naked old ladies lying in the sun on the front lawn.

The director said, "Yes" and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.

__________

JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE

A trial is taking place in Mississippi. The defendant is a sweet grandmotherly type.

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

Defense Attorney: What happened?

Little Old Woman: That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the SOB !

Thanks for the laughs, Phil & friends!!

Sara

Hi Sara,

Thanks for stopping by and Thanks for the new Maxine. I've never seen that particular one.

Here's a little more Church Humor...

Six Year Old Girl And
The Evolution Teacher

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in the classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.

The teacher asked a little boy:

Teacher: Tommy do you see the tree out side?

Tommy: Yes.

Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass out side?

Tommy: Yes.

Teacher: Go out side and look up and see if you can see the sky.

Tommy: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

Teacher: Did you see God?

Tommy: No.

Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there.

The little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. Teacher agreed and she asked the boy:

Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Little girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time)

Little girl: Did you see the sky?

Tommy: Yessssss

Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

Tommy: Yes

Little Girl: Do you see her brain?

Tommy: No

Little Girl: Does that mean she doesn't have one?

__________

It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking photographs, etc.

He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.

He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents."

Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course, it's a local call from here."

__________

Messages Seen On Actual Church Signs

"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons - come hear one!"

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

"People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."

"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"In the dark? Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

__________

Wishing You A Blessed Week,

Phil

Hello Friends,

Thought you might could use a few Chuckles for the Weekend...

Honda Motorcycle

A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While
passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the
car opens the window, "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No, I haven't."

The biker drives on until he sees another car. While passing
it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the
window: "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No, I haven't."

Then suddenly there is a curve, and the biker sees it too
late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and
a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker
asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"Yes, I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."

The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"

__________

Honest Abe

It's said that Abraham Lincoln once sized up the case of a
prospective client as follows:

"You have a good case, technically, but in terms of justice
and equity, it's got problems. So you'll have to look for
another lawyer to handle the case, because the whole time
I'd be up there talking to the jury, I'd be thinking,
'Lincoln, you're a liar!' and I might just forget myself and
say it out loud."

__________

Juan the Smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has
two large bags over his shoulders. A guard stops him and
says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the
bike."

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties
them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan
overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that
there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard
releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto
the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What
have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that
the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to
Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events repeats every day for three years.
Then one day, Juan doesn't show up. The guard meets up with
him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, buddy," the guard says, "I know you're smuggling
something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I
can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you
smuggling?"

"Bicycles," Juan says.

__________

How Not to Rob a Bank

The following is an excerpt from Tim Clark's "How Not to Rob
a Bank." Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the
experiences of a number of would-be robbers.

PICK THE RIGHT BANK

You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in
Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer
in business and had no money.

STUDY YOUR HISTORY

Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield,
Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the
townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture
three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the
customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their
dollar, those Minnesotans.

SPEAK TO THE RIGHT TELLER

One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller,
and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out
of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat
on him until authorities arrived.

DON'T SIGN YOUR DEMAND NOTE

Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena
issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an
envelope bearing the name and address of another in
Detroit....and in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of
a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account
number.

GO EASY ON THE DISGUISE

One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up,
ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal
ever to be positively identified by lip-print.

TAKE RIGHT TURNS ONLY

Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a
wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a
military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a
toll-booth, offered the security men money.

BE AWARE OF THE TIME

Or the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire,
Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to
escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in
rush hour traffic until police arrived.

CONSIDER ANOTHER LINE OF WORK

Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI,
robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his
shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.

BE STRONG

Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea,
Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no
money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police
arrived. His getaway car, parked nearby, had the keys locked
inside it.

__________