Hi Karen,

I'm not able to see your latest Maxine, however here's a few of my recent favorites...

Have A Great Day My Friend,

Phil

Hi Friends,

Here's a few quick ones to put a Smile on your Faces...

Losing Weight

"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds.

"I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."

__________

Two Kinds Of People

Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

__________

Weddings & Funerals

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

__________

Amish Computer Virus

My heart sank as I read the spam that began, "By opening this e-mail, you have activated the Amish computer virus."

Then I realized that not only was my computer in jeopardy, so was my reputation as it continued, "Since the Amish don't have computers, this works on the honor system. Please delete all your files. Thank you."

__________

Pass It Along

My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"

We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.

"What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."

"But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!"

Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table

__________

And, my personal favorite...

What The Bible Means

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy," the young boy replied excitedly. "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'''

__________

Have A Great Week,

Phil

Hello Phil! I like that last one about BIBLE. My small grandnephew and friends seem to have developed an entirely new language that he posts in Facebook.

Here is one sent from my cousin today:

Hi Sara,

Now that's just plain Cute!! Even Goofy got a kick out of it...

There's still Some Good Clean Church Humor Out There...

Ministerial Ptoblem With Dentures

It seems there was this minister who just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!

__________

Ice Cream Is Good For The Soul

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would thank you even more if Mom gets us Ice Cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for Ice Cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my son asked.

"Cross my heart." Then in theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "too bad she never asks God for Ice Cream. A little Ice Cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my kid Ice Cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his Sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice Cream is good for the soul sometimes and my soul is good already!"

__________

Good News/Bad New For The Pastor

Good News: You baptised seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The women's group voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The pastor-parish relations committee accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it that they asked the bishop to send a new minister capable of filling the position.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of the parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your community.
Bad News: He has been appointed as your conference bishop.

Good News: The youth of the church came to your house for a visit.
Bad News: It was in the middle of the night and they were armed with toilet paper and shaving cream.

Good News: The Church Council has agreed to send you to the Holy Land for study.
Bad News: They are waiting for war to break out before sending you.

__________

Eve Checks Up On Adam

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

__________

A Bargain At The Price

A man and his young son went to church, and when they came out the father was complaining that the service was too long, the preacher was no good, and the singing was off-key.

Finally the little boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime."

__________

Have A Blessed Evening,

Phil