Hi Friends,

These just in from the evening's eMail...

Gripe Sheet

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane for a
major airline, but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a
"Gripe Sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the
aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems and document their
repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets
before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground
crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by
Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded
(marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

=======

Hit-and-Run

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a
policeman ran up to help.

"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man
told the cop.

"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could
you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

"I recognized the laugh!"

=======

Benny and the Genie

Benny worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. His primary
job was to keep the exhibits clean and polished. One day he
happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he
noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out
his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous
genie appeared before him.

"Master," the genie began, "I am the genie of the urn. I can
grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will
put on you: You must never shave or cut your beard for the
rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place
inside the urn forever."

Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair
condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for 49 percent
of the total Microsoft stock, which was promptly granted.
Then he wished for the most beautiful woman in the world as
his wife, and lo and behold, she was. Finally, he wished for
fame and fortune, and he instantly became a worldwide
celebrity.

Over the years, Benny's beard became longer and longer until
it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to
itch. He tried to ignore it, but the itch became more and
more irritating, while the memory of the genie's warning
faded.

Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he
shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn, to stay
there forever.

The moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

=======

Golfing

Harry teed up, addressed his golf ball, and took a
magnificent swing, but something went wrong and he hit a
wicked slice. The ball left the fairway he was playing, and
it went onto the adjoining one where it hit a man full in
the face.

He dropped like a rock!

Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him
unconscious and with the ball lying between his feet.

"Oh no!" exclaimed Harry. "What should we do?"

"I'm not sure," said his partner. "But don't move him! If we
just leave him here, he's an immovable obstruction and you
can either play the ball from where it lies or drop it two
club lengths away without penalty."

=======

Have A Great Night,

Phil

Thanks Phil and Karen, you two make a good act!!

Sara

Hi Sara,

It's so good to see you here. Thanks for dropping by and thanks also for the Link in your new Forum Thread, WHAT'S HAPPENING IN ADLAND??.

Here's a few more that are kinda cute...

A Few One-Liners

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

__________

If Men Ruled The World

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. (Needless to say, I really like this one!)

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. (Wouldn't help -- you STILL wouldn't remember!)

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off. Mother's Day, too.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.

But it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing Cops. Or to the crooks.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

__________

And finally, for a few...

Classic Signs

On a ski lift in Taos, NM: "No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted."

Official sign near door: Door Alarmed.
Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.

MORE OF AN AD THAN A SIGN, but...
A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:
"Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!"

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago:
restrooms
<-----
Please wait for hostess to seat you.

Sign in front of church in Montpelier, VT:
Bingo Friday night at 8:00pm
Quickies Thursday at 7:30pm.

Seen in a health food store: "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot."

"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."

I went to a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant: "Women are not served here... You have to bring your own."

Our Credit Manger is Helen Waite. Anyone desiring Credit, please go down the hall to Helen Waite.

__________

Have A Happy Week My Friends.

Phil