Hi Roger,

Thanks, now that's Funny! Speaking of Bill Gates, it couldn't happen to a "nicer" guy. Yeah Right!

Actually I do think that God has a sense of Humor, I agree with Robin Williams who used to say...

"If you don't think God has a sense of humor, then look at the duckbill platypus. It's got webbed feet, a duck's bill, a plump furry body, swims underwater, and lays eggs — right!"

Have A Great Weekend My Friend,

Phil

Hi Roger,

Back again with a little more Heavenly Humor...

Is There Baseball In Heaven?

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching on Wednesday."

__________

Einstein dies and goes to heaven

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,

“You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to
sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome
to heaven!”

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”

Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.” Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few
strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and
says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”

George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”

Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”

__________

Lawyer dies and goes to heaven

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Lawyers in heaven."

"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.

"You heard, no Lawyers."

"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Lawyer.

"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"

"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving
children in Africa".

"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"

"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless."

"Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian
orphans."

"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss."

Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.

He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he
agrees with me. Here's your thirty dollars back, now take a hike!"

__________

Mother Teresa and God

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.

So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.

The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..."

God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa,"
He said, ". . . for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."

__________

Keep Smiling Friends,

Phil

Hello My Friends,

Since it's Monday, I thought we all might need a smile or two, so here's a few to help get you started...

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever.

She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a shady looking character inside wearing an old biker skull rag on his head . The woman thought,
"This is who you sent to help me?" But, being desperate she pressed thru her fear and decided to be thankful. The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and
I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a professional!"

__________

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

__________

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard.

He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint.
He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

__________

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember
how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to
teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.

__________

Have A Terrific Week & Keep Smiling,

Phil

Those were great Phil! I got my Tuesday morning laughs.

I might not be able to get this anything but close as it was repeated to me.

"One day a guy was talking to God as they often had conversations. God told him that if there was anything he wanted to just ask for it. The man thought for a while and said that more than anything in the world, he wanted a bridge to Hawaii so he could walk or drive anytime he wanted. God asked him to think strongly about this and all the consequences it might bring about and was he really sure this was what he wanted most of all. After some more deep thinking, the man said well God, I would really like to know how to understand women. God waited a few minutes and answered him "Do you want this bridge to be one-lane or two lanes?"

Sara

Hi Friends,

First of all, thanks Sara for the smiles, that was so Cute and also so True!

Since today is Mother's Day here in the States, I thought you all might enjoy a little Mother's Day humor...

Mother's Dictionary of Meanings

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar-grunting noises.

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
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Child Sent to Bed

A small boy is sent to bed by his mother...
[Five minutes later]
"Mom..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Mom..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a glass of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Mommm..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"
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Mother’s Day Thoughts and Quotes

• The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson.
• Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.
• Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything to do with it.

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Things Mom Would Never Say

• "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
• "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
• "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
• "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
• "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
• "Well, if Rahul's mamma says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
• "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
• "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
• "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

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Grandma on the Plane

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.

"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
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We have new Babies
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
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