My wife and I went to the York , Pennsylvania Farm Show last week, and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'


My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year!'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'




My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery after I learn to walk, talk, and eat solid food again. Thanks for your prayers.

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, a good ending, and to always make sure the two are as close together as possible." George Burns

Hi Karen,

Sorry not to get back by here sooner to Welcome you back. It's so good that you're able to get around better, and it sounds like you're at least, on the mend. It's kind of like I was last year about this time of year, when I wasn't sure if I would be around much longer. God will not take us home until He is ready, and I am just thankful that He still has more work for us both to do here on Earth. Praise God.

Here's a few cute Church related funnies that I thought you all might like...

A kindergarten teacher was walking around observing her classroom of children while they were drawing pictures. As she got to one girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

__________

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping"

__________

At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

__________

It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for.

"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father told him.

"Wouldn't you just know it," Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and he shows up."

__________

An inexperienced preacher was to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery for an indigent man with no family or friends. Not knowing where the cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other, "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

__________

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland. One is holding a cross and the other a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money into the hat of the man with the cross. Soon, the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest watches for a while and then approaches the men. He says to the man with the Star of David, "Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions holding a Star of David."

The man turns to the one with the cross and says, "Moishe, can you imagine, this goy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"

__________

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Oh, have mercy, me Boy! Why did ya' not tell me that the Wee dog was Catholic?

__________

And now, just a few more "quickies"...

The Sunday School teacher was describing that when Lot's wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt, when Bobby interrupted. "My mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced, "and she turned into a telephone pole."

_____

Another Sunday School teacher said to her children, "We have been learning about how powerful the kings and queens were in Biblical times. But there is a higher power. Who can tell me what it is?" Tommy blurted out, "I know, Aces."

_____

Lot again... A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt."

Timidly, his son asked, "But, what ever happened to the flea?"

__________

Finally, having been in the Portrait business for awhile, I found this one especially amusing...

Have A Happy Weekend My Friends,

Phil

Thank you for the laughs this morning Phil!! Some of those I have not heard before. Children can be very funny. Also, like the church portraits - they sure don't like it if you don't buy!

Have a great weekend,

Sara

Hi Sara,

So glad you stopped back by for a few giggles & grins. No, having sold Portraits for a living, I tell you that we really had a bad day when one out of three "Aced" you, that is, didn't buy anything and just took their "freebie", usualy an 8x10, or sometimes, a 11x13. That meant that you would actually lose money on a shoot, not good. We stopped shooting "Church Books", for that very reason. Often time with those, it was usually 2 out of 3 that were "Aces".

But this is a humor thread, so here's some Cute Animal Jokes that even had my Kitty Cat laughing...

Adopted Turtle

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "Don't you think it's time for us to tell Junior he's adopted."

__________

Drunk Giraffe

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, and then walks up to the bar and takes a seat, as the giraffe does the same.

The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again. They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load untill suddenly, the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor.

The man then gets up off of his stool and staggers clumsily towards the door.

The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door "You can't leave that lyin' 'ere!".

The drunk turns around to the Bartender and shouts back loudly, "Its not a lion, its a giraffe!"

__________

Blonde Sheep Winner

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

She stopped and asked the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?"

"Sure!", the shepherd replied.

Out of the blue, the young woman blurts out, "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.

As she turned and started to leave, the shepherd looked at her and said, "Now, if I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!"

__________

Talking Dog For Sale

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?", the man asks.

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Along the way, I had a wife and a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him, but then he asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him? Especially so cheap!"

The owner replies, "Because", the owner replies, "He's such a liar".

__________

The Soccer Stars

A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and also to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.

"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."

"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.

Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy that's with all of those blind kids from the bus?"

"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being refered to, "what about it? Do you have something against blind kids?"

"Ordinarily no," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the heck out of my best milk cow!"

__________

Have A Happy Weekend My Friend,

Phil