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Phillip Black

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RE: Go Ahead! Laugh! You Know You Want To!.
8/2/2010 2:04:59 PM

Hi Peter,

Thanks as always for stopping by and thanks all of the cute jokes. Actually, I generally like all of your jokes, in fact, our sense of humor seems to be a lot alike, you know, kind of "bent", if you know what I mean.

Now, since it's Monday, it seems like a great time to share a few more of my favorite Groaners & Puns...

~~~~~

A prison inmate had his prosthetic leg confiscated after he used it in a brawl with another prisoner. When the inmate found out the authorities were taking away his leg, he was hopping mad.

~~~~~

Did you hear the one about the mushroom who couldn't get a date?

"I don't know why the girls don't like me", he said. "I'm such a fungi."

~~~~~

A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt, and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

~~~~~

The banker fell overboard while taking a cruise on a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, and not knowing if the banker could swim, shouted,

"Can you float alone?"

"Of course!" the banker yelled back, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

~~~~~

Census taker: How many children do you have?

Woman: Four.

Census taker: May I have their names, please?

Woman: Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.

Census taker: Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?

Woman: Because we didn't want any Mo.

~~~~~

And now, for a few "Quickies"...

There was a woman who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Did you know that birds are so grouchy in the morning, because their bills are always over dew.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that, you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

~~~~~

And finally, here it is... the world's worst joke and I defy anyone to find one worse!

Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms.

"How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.

"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.

BONG!

"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"

"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower.

A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?"

Just then, Quasimodo came out and said...

"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"

But, wouldn't you just know it, then someone came up with another half of this joke!

The day after the guy with no arms fell to his death, another fellow shows up and said that he was the brother of the man with no arms and he wanted to audition for the bell ringers job.

Quasimodo takes him to the bell tower, the guy picks up the wooden mallet and starts to ring the bells. He took a huge swing, missed the bell and fell over the balcony to his death.

Quasimodo runs outside and the policeman asks him who the fellow was.

So Quasimodo says, "I never got his name but...

he's a dead ringer for his brother."

~~~~~

Have A Great Week My Friends,

Phil

“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10
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RE: Go Ahead! Laugh! You Know You Want To!.
8/2/2010 5:31:36 PM
Happy Monday Phil and friends. Phil knowing how you like to cook I thought you might enjoy this one I got in my inbox this morning. You may have seen it before but I think it is hilarious and always get a good laugh everytime I see it.
THE BAPTIST WHITE LIE CAKE
Have you ever told a white lie?
You are going to love this, especially all of
the ladies who bake for church events:

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the
Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa ,
but forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake
sale and after rummaging through cabinets,
found an angel food cake mix & quickly made
it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping
her son pack up for Scout camp.
When she took the cake from the oven, the
center had dropped flat and the cake was
horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh
dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"
This cake was important to Alice because she
did so want to fit in at her new church, and in
her new community of friends. So, being inventive,
she looked around the house for something to
build up the center of the cake. She found it in the
bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in
and then covered it with icing.

Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it
looked perfect. And, before she left the house to
drop the cake by the church and head for work,
Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money
and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the
moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and
bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found
the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold.
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified - she was beside herself!
Everyone would know! What would they think?
She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!
All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about
people pointing fingers at her and talking about
her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would
try not to think about the cake and would attend
the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of
a fellow church member and try to have a good
time.
She did not really want to attend because the
hostess was a snob who more than once had
looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was
a single parent and not from the founding families
of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd, she
couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely
upper crust old south and to Alice's horror, the cake
in question was presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she
saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell
the hostess all about it, but before she could get to
her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she
heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member)
say, "Thank you, I baked it myself.."
Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good.



:)
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Phillip Black

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RE: Go Ahead! Laugh! You Know You Want To!.
8/2/2010 6:43:02 PM

Hi Mary Evelyn,

It's always great whenever another Friend visits my little humor Thread here. I have indeed heard that joke before, but it was a long time ago, and I must agree that it's still funny every time I hear it. Sometimes it does seem that God does have a sense of humor as well.

If you do like to cook, or even if you're like me and really love to eat, I hope you'll stop by Papa's Kitchen as well.

Anyway, speaking of Church folks, you know we always do have to be careful what we eat, especially with the Older Members...

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks.

"No, not at all!" the woman replied.

They chatted for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he had emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few."

"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, I can't eat them anyway, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."

Also, speaking of Toilet Paper, in these tough econmic times, can you just imagine how rough it is for TP to make a Career Change...

Have A Happy Week My Friend,

Phil

“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10
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Roger Macdivitt .

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RE: Go Ahead! Laugh! You Know You Want To!.
8/2/2010 8:10:03 PM

Thanks for more chuckles.

Roger

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Karen Gigikos

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RE: Go Ahead! Laugh! You Know You Want To!.
8/3/2010 10:27:24 PM
Hi Phil
Well getting better I hope walk up and down 8 stairs today . tomorrow will be all 16 stairs. I sure was tried after that. well I have one for you I hope you have not heard it yet.



HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER
>
> You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...
>


> Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
> Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate,
> Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic
> relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more
> curious.
>
> Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
> started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the
> eye.
>
> Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be
> thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
>
> About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother
> came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
> You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
>
> Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
> So he sat down and wrote:
>
> __________________________________________________________
>
> Dear Mom,
>
> I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
> saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
> one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
>
> Love, Brian
> __________________________________________________________
>
> Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
> read:
> ____________________________________________________
>
> Dear Son,
>
> I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you
> 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is
> sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
>
> Love, Mom
>
> LESSON OF THE DAY -
>
> NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!

HEHEHEHE…
karen gigikos / black belt grannyHobbies
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