Hello Friends,
Just setting here on a Wednesday, feeling a little lonely. Hoping that someone might stop by, with whom I could share a smile or two and brighten up both of our days...
New Shower
In search of a new shower for our home, my wife and I went to a bathroom-supply store.
We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman.
Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion and made plans to come back the next
day to make our final decision.
Later that evening, my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same young lady from the bathroom-
supply store was now working a shift as a waitress.
As she passed our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a loud voice,
"HEY! You're the man who needs a shower!"
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Jokes For Your Next Baby Shower
Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers or briefs ?
A: You'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all
Q: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control ?
A: A misconception
Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant ?
A: Have sex just once a year
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving ?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move ?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college
Q: My breasts, rear end & even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy ?
A: Yes, your bladder
Q: My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question ?
Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold ?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him
Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy ?
A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant
Q: What is colic ?
A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control
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Moving Day
The loving Wife, who had been faithful up to the Bitter End spent the first day after the Divorce was final, packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. Then on the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. And finally, on the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new (much-younger) girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. However, nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, the couple simply could not take the stench any longer and they decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Shortly thereafter, the ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Since he thought that his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
Finally, a week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.
I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
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The 10 Best Caddy Replies
# 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
# 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
# 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
# 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
# 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
# 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game ?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
# 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
And the # 1 Best Caddy Comment.....
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old.
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.
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Have A Terrific Week,
Phil