Hi Sara,

People have always wondered about me, ever since the day I was born, 'cause right after the Doctor smacked my bottom, I smacked him right back, and then I immediately took a turn for the Nurse. LOL.

Seriously though, I'm so glad you stopped by, and I always glad whenever I can help out with a Smile or two. Here's a few of my favorite Blonde jokes, just to round out your Weekend...

__________

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

__________

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
__________

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
__________

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

__________

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
__________

FLORIDA OR THE MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

__________

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

__________

Have A Bright & Happy Weekend My Friend,

Phil

Hi Beth,

Thanks for visiting my Friend. You always brighten my day whenever you stop by here at the Forum.

I'm sure that you're not there yet, but I'm afraid that I might be just a wee bit "over-the-hill", so here's a few that rang pretty close to home for me, starting off with the...

Senility Prayer

God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.

~~~~~

26 Signs That You're an Adult

a. Your potted plants stay alive.
b. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
j. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
l. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
n. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
s. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
t. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & King Dons.
w. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
y. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you!

You noticed that 26 signs are listed in letters not numbers!!!!

~~~~~

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

~~~~~

Here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully.

• Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

• Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

• Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

• Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too - muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

• Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

• No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

• Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

• Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

• Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

• Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

• Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

~~~~~

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her her drink she says, "It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday".
The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink. In fact I'll take care of this one for you."
As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink too."
The old woman says, "All right! Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"OK!" says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "All right! Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"Comin' right up!" the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."

~~~~~

And finally, a few one-liners...

You know you're getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again.

Mid-life has hit you, when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around!

By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!

You know you're getting old when getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ever ask you to appear topless in film.

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. And, You know you're really getting older when you bend over in the morning to tie your shoes and realize you didn't take them off the night before.

I'm suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. I go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

I bought some of that "Gingko" that's supposed to improve your memory, but I forgot where I put it.

~~~~~

Have A Terrific Tuesday My Frien,

Phil

Hi Friends,

Seems that it's been a busy week and that the time has slipped away from me. I've been remiss and I simply must do something to make up for the lost smiles. Less see if these for the Weekend will help...

~~~~~

A car speeding down the highway loses control, goes through a guard rail, rolls down a cliff, bounces off a tree, lands upside down and finally stops, wheels spinning in the air, smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood.

A passing motorist, who witnessed the entire accident, helps the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "That's pretty unbelievable, Mister", he gasps, "are you drunk?"

"Of course!," says the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the heck do you think I am? A stunt driver or something?"

~~~~~

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, S**t!"

Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Here, hold my beer and watch this!"

~~~~~

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 85 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.

It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

~~~~~

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?".

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. "Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.'

"Then he said, 'How are YOU feeling?'

~~~~~

And as always, let's finish with a few one-liners...

The Good News is, I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

You never really learn to swear, until you teach a teenager to drive.

If all the cars in the United States were placed end-to-end, it's probably Memorial Day Weekend...

Confucious says: "Man who drives like h*ll bound to get there real soon."

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Ever wonder how they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

~~~~~

Have A Bright & Happy Weekend My Friends,

Phil

Thanks Phil,

Needed the smile.