No comments necessary on this one. LOL!

There was a young couple living in an old run down house. One day the man gets home from work and his wife says, "Honey, look at the walls. They haven't been painted as long as we have lived here. It's peeling and cracking; couldn't you please just paint them?"

"Who do I look like? Michelangelo?" the man replies.

"I guess not", says the wife.

The next day the man gets back from work again. Again his wife starts to complain. "Oh sugar, couldn't you just please at least repair the stairs? They're falling apart and they're really unsafe to walk up."

The man says, "Who do I look like? Frank Lloyd Wright?"

"Well, maybe not," says the wife.

The next week the man returns from his job. He walks into his house and is suddenly amazed. The stairs are fixed, the walls were painted and the house looked superb. "Honey.....How did you do this? It looks great!" he says. "Well I met up with a handyman down the street. He offered to repair our house if I either bake him a batch of brownies or sleep with him" says the wife.

"Well, honey, you baked the batch of brownies, right?"

The wife replies, "Who do I look like, Sara Lee?"

:)

One more.......... :)

A retired gentleman who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

:)

LOL! No major problems with the neighbors, there's just one rental property across the street, among a block of permanent residents, and that's a duplex where the 2 temporary tenants are "new" every 6 months, and usually strange every time!

Also have neighbors on both sides with big dogs, not a problem, they like to bark, we enjoy MAKING them bark! One of them looks nasty but I think he just wants to play, as if we're chewtoys, that's how he'd like to play, I'm sure!

I put up a no-see-thru fence on that side earlier this year, IT still barks ferociously just from hearing our back door open, and the mailman is also very frightened because he says that dog jumps against the inside of the windows when he walks past...and the lady-owner put cardboard inside the windows so IT can't see out, but I'm sure the dog has a heart of gold...<eyeroll!>

Nothing but the truth, God Bless little Johnny.....LOL....

"What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog crap!" Then I would say, “It is dog crap. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the Obama approach of giving you something crappy for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

Here goes little Johnny again.......


The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!' Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Akio: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy,
1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F_ _ k the Japs,'.

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Akio says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh ****, We're screwed!'

Little Akio said quietly, 'The American people, November 4, 2008.'