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Peter Fogel

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RE: Your Friday Chuckle - Every Day Of The Week
11/24/2011 11:37:13 AM
Hey Evelyn,

Can you imagine what a problem this guy would have if he got a female centipede? Not only putting on a 100 shoes but having to decide before hand which shoe she'll wear today??? :)

Shalom,

Peter

Quote:

Here's one I got from a good friend the other day. I thought it was hilarious. :)

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking
centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little
white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for
the box, and decided he would start off by taking
his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you
like to go to church with me today? We will have a
good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again, "How about going to church
with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend
and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking
about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's
house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to
go to church with me and learn about God?"....

This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I
heard you the first damn time!
I'm putting my shoes on!"






Peter Fogel
Babylon 7
+0
Peter Fogel

1470
7259 Posts
7259
Invite Me as a Friend
Top 25 Poster
Person Of The Week
RE: Your Friday Chuckle - Every Day Of The Week
11/24/2011 11:39:55 AM
Hey Kathleen,

From your post I understand you have major problems with your neighbors but it seems as if you're up to the tasks at hand. All the plans seem well thought out and all I ask is a report on the outcome when you execute them. :) Should be interesting reading.

Shalom,

Peter

Quote:

Hi Peter & all,

I don't know about doing a cooking video, but I could easily feature ways to annoy neighbors without really trying...

* Spread peanut-butter & birdseed on the tree branches that overhang the neighbors yards so there will be a line of dozens of squirrels on the low branches, just over their crazy dogs heads.

* Tongs are for picking up small varmints that the stray cats toyed with and left somewhere, I found a toad on my backstep once, and tossed it over the fence because the neighbor told us not to throw tennis balls over because her dogs actually rip them up and devour them, so I thought a dead toad would be okay. While picking up something like that, be sure to loudly say "I found the body!" and then run back in the house.

* Drag large heavy bags of wet newspapers out of the house, or drag bags of wet leaves around the yard, and behind the garagage, and then drag those to a trash dumpster somewhere else on the property, and be sure your craziest-looking kid says "That looks heavier than a bag of heads! Where's Dad?"

* Barbecue both days of the weekend with a charcoal grill and too much lighter fluid, to create billowing smoke until someone calls the fire department...that really happened...a fireman knocked on our front door a few years ago (yes, during my Adlandpro membership!) just when I got out of the shower and he insisted our property was on fire. I insisted it wasn't. Turned out my (ex)husband was barbecuing in the backyard, and the church carnival up the street thought our garage was on fire.

* Start barbecuing on the front porch so everyone can see the house is NOT on fire, and blast old music really loud, and focus your gaze on all the windows across the street, they are jealous they don't have a kettle grill on THEIR porch and a collection of movie soundtracks on cassette tapes :) Actually we once saw a neighbor's toddler wander off, ran to get him before he crossed the street and took him back to his parents, and then the next day our stolen lawn ornaments were anonymously returned. Coincidence? I think not. Therefore, the frowned-upon porch barbecuing had a good result.

* On 4th of July night, throw all your burnt fireworks into the kettle grill with water, THAT will put them OUT. Don't worry the next morning if your grill is swollen and mis-shapen from blazing hot firework water, your property is still NOT on fire. That's a lot better solution than throwing them behind the garage and waking up to a melted blue puddle that WAS the plastic wading pool yesterday.

* Go outside EVERY DAY of the year, and in winter, wear a dark parka like the Grim Reaper, and stand very still except to drink your "coffee", maybe standing behind a big tree so the neighbors dogs don't see you and bark their heads off. Fun part is, if a neighbor is nearby in their yard but doesn't see you for awhile but then catches a glimpse and realizes you've been there all along, they usually say something like "Oh geez!" or some funner-er word, and have a mild coronary.

* In summer, get some golf clubs & tons of golf balls and hit them against a wooden fence several times per minute, it's great if there are several people playing...nonstop echoing for a couple hours, heard for a block away, really great if that crazy big kid (bag of heads commentary) looks like Carl (Bill Murray) from Caddyshack.

* If you have a possum in your yard, feed it...possums don't have rabies, they are just very unattractive. If you are the only neighbor who doesn't have dogs, of course you'll have little wild animals out there because they'll feel safe in your yard, and also because they enjoy being barked at thru fences because they know the dogs can't get them. Toss dry catfood all over your yard and watch the possum with a flashlight, it will go all over the yard and get every crumb. Great show, especially for the neighbors dogs!

Peter Fogel
Babylon 7
+0
Peter Fogel

1470
7259 Posts
7259
Invite Me as a Friend
Top 25 Poster
Person Of The Week
RE: Your Friday Chuckle - Every Day Of The Week
11/24/2011 11:41:42 AM
Hi All,

This one's self explanatory and needs no comments at all. :)

Shalom,

Peter



B!tche$ 'til the End!

Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'
'Because I don't want any of those b!tche$ sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called,
'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY....

Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your @$$ is disconnected.

Peter Fogel
Babylon 7
+0
RE: Your Friday Chuckle - Every Day Of The Week
11/24/2011 5:30:30 PM

How true Peter. LOL!!

Quote:
Hey Evelyn,

Can you imagine what a problem this guy would have if he got a female centipede? Not only putting on a 100 shoes but having to decide before hand which shoe she'll wear today??? :)

Shalom,

Peter

Quote:

Here's one I got from a good friend the other day. I thought it was hilarious. :)

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking
centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little
white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for
the box, and decided he would start off by taking
his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you
like to go to church with me today? We will have a
good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again, "How about going to church
with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend
and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking
about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's
house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to
go to church with me and learn about God?"....

This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I
heard you the first damn time!
I'm putting my shoes on!"






+0
RE: Your Friday Chuckle - Every Day Of The Week
11/24/2011 6:48:55 PM
Oh my!!!!! :)

Three mischievous boys skipped school one day and instead went to the zoo for an outing.

They decided to visit the elephant cage first, but soon enough, they were picked up by a zoo security officer for causing a commotion.

The officer hauled them off to the Security Office for questioning.

The supervisor in charge asked each of them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "Okay, my name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The third boy was a little more shaken up than his buddies and said,

"Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

+0


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