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Peter

1470

7259

Lod

RE: Your Friday Chuckle - Every Day Of The Week

7/22/2010 3:14:27 AM

Hi All,

The Obowma/Lincoln jokes are great Phil. I have a few favorites amongst them but all of them are very funny.

Here's a change of pace for now.

Shalom,

Peter

1. Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

2. Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven..'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

3. Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

4. Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company... One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

5. Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

6. Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

Peter Fogel
Babylon 7

Peter 1470 7259 Lod	RE: Your Friday Chuckle - Every Day Of The Week 7/22/2010 5:19:47 AM
	Hi All, I'm quite sure my good friend Helen will object to this one BUT it's way to cool not to share with you all. Hey Jim, do you think think this can be considered a Harley art form? :) Shalom, Peter It's a HARLEY..... And people think cell phones are a distraction... Just imagine the reaction when people see this bike traveling down the road. Also wonder how many times the Police will pull him over.
	Peter Fogel Babylon 7
	+0

Peter 1470 7259 Lod	RE: Your Friday Chuckle - Every Day Of The Week 7/23/2010 4:34:07 AM
	Hi All, Here's a cute one with a twist? :) Shalom, Peter HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP... DEAR DIARY - DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip. -------------------------------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man. ------------------------- ------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 3 At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive. ---------------------------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 4 Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband. -------------------------------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 5 Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.. I was shocked.. -------------------------------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 6 Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice
	Peter Fogel Babylon 7
	+0

Helen 801 1370 Burnaby	RE: Your Friday Chuckle - Every Day Of The Week 7/23/2010 10:29:12 AM
	Hello Peter I haven't been here for a while. I feel I cannot, in good conscience, keep quiet about what is most offensive, not just to me but to many at Adlandpro. I realize they don't all come to this forum. I can often see the humor in off-color jokes. I can even put up with pictures like the advertisement over the tunnel. But using my Lord's name in vain is just not acceptable. He died an excrutiating death on the cross for me and for all in the world. And all we can do is swear His name? Even if one wants no part of it, shouldn't we at least respect Someone who gave His life for us in such a manner when He didn't have to do so, for the reason He gave whether we accept it or not? And shouldn't we at least not curse His name? As one who loves and worships the Lord, I would be wrong not to object. I know you probably didn't make up the joke but if the offense cannot removed, then perhaps it would be better not to post the joke at all. It was quite crude, anyway. I am sorry to throw a damper on all your fun here but I was hoping you might want to know how I (and some others) may feel about this. I recognize that this is your forum and you can put on it whatever you wish. Ok, I've said what I said and that is the end of that. Helen Quote: Hi All, They keep on coming in so here are a few more. Shalom, Peter A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE Black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him Looks down and says: '7 feet, 350, 20 inch cock, 3 pound balls, Turner Brown. The little guy faints and falls to the floor.The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says,'What EXACTLY did you say to me? The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch dick, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.' The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around'.
	Spend $4 and get back $10 every time you spend. Contact me (Helen) at this email »»» zhebee@yahoo.com
	+0

Jim 5805 11253 Holiday	RE: Your Friday Chuckle - Every Day Of The Week 7/23/2010 1:28:19 PM
	I added this to my "Bucket Wish List" Quote: Hi All, I'm quite sure my good friend Helen will object to this one BUT it's way to cool not to share with you all. Hey Jim, do you think think this can be considered a Harley art form? :) Shalom, Peter It's a HARLEY..... And people think cell phones are a distraction... Just imagine the reaction when people see this bike traveling down the road. Also wonder how many times the Police will pull him over.
	May Wisdom and the knowledge you gained go with you, Jim Allen III Skype: JAllen3D Everything You Need For Online Success
	+0

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