John, I have experienced similar, whereby I have been some gathering
Party/meeting what-have-you, and I have been sitting listening to the people around me in conversation, following along but had nothing to contribute at the time and one of the guests or friend has asked me
what is wrong?  I look sad or some other expression.. I have not felt
sad or anything wrong, probably just concentrating or thinking about
the conversation..If you sit there smiling while listening then someone
will want to know what is so funny! 

I also had remarks like 'smile' while I was bootscooting/linedancing
when I was very involved and going to all the Hoedown dances within
my area.  It is very hard to smile when you are concentrating on the
music and dance - if I did not enjoy myself then I would not have been
up and dancing on the floor in the first place!

You can't win either way..! You feel like saying "be quiet and let me
be".

Amanda

Hi Amanda

Well, at least people like talking to us because we are good listeners. But do we listen as intently as people think? Or do we turn off, and just throw in the obligatory nod now and then and hope the inane prattle ends sometime soon?

It's quite taxing trying to listen to someone while straining to overhear another more interesting conversation nearby, LOL.

That makes me think John of how some talk and talk without a breathe but never let you say a word, until you want to fall over dead, if it were possible. In some cases listening and hearing are futile.  I do try to listen even in these cases; it's hard for me to show the disrespect of not lsitening; even while that doesn't seem to be a problem to the other guy.

But on the subject of "hearing" with more average people, it's humerous to discover the general handicap most of us have with hearing. While I was in a Marriage Class where the focus was on this very thing...so that it was well in mind...how we'd been taught to reply...not to what I'm thinking as you talk but...with Validation to what you have said....me and hubby were talking one day and I "caught" him...not even really thinking but just noticed....him reply with a reply that had nothing at all to do with what i just said!  I wasn't mad but was astounded to "see" the reality of how we do this!  And I could admit right there that I knew I had been doing it too!  Listening they say is an art or a learned habit or something....I can see why....most of the time I notice we are "thinking" our thoughts "about" what the person is saying...not thinking about what "their" thoughts really are about what they are saying. 

And think of all the arguments we all have had over time...how silly we are...when we play the "I gotcha" game...as if we've caught the other in a trap based on something they've said a certain way....knowing darn well they didn't really mean what their words sounded like.  Or did we sometimes?  if we did it's because we were thinking what we wanted to believe they were saying instead of what they were really trying to get us to understand.  You know what I mean?         Kim

Hi John,

I reckon you have 'hit the nail on the head'.  I think introverts send off some sort
of signal un-knowingly as I often end up being the listener than the talker and
had to nod or make some inane remark where I have not always felt I wanted
the 'prattle' to go on.  I am a little different these days and will end the prattle
with a polite excuse as quickly as possible and get out of there..

I do find it frustrating though with these types of people that they do not give
you a chance to really speak and give your thoughts on the topic but will just
talk right over the top of you half way through what you were saying.  It is like
they like to hear their own voice and do not think what I have to say is important.

Yes, I understand and have been in the same position that I am sitting/standing
with one group of people and there is a better topic of conversation going on
near me and I have strained my ears to hear more but felt it impolite (in the old
days) to excuse myself to go join in with the more interesting topic.


Amanda

Hi Kim,

Oh wow, you have just written the very same problems that I come across too  - it is such a relief to actually read you admit and also experience the other person doing this and how it effects you too.

You did not say (but I am assuming here) when the other person and especially our spouse is inclined to put 'words in your mouth' and
they are not the word or words I was going to say and it just completely throws me off my train of thought.
Then I am left kinda 'hanging there' while I try and gather my thoughts what I was saying and in the meantime he has jumped right in there
and talking for me.

This started happening on a regular basis in my very early days
when I first came to live in the USA (which was a great help but I
have been here 9 years now so do not need the help so much now) 
New Zealand words and American for the same thing can be so
different that e.g. one of the incidences and there are hundreds I
have had to overcome..
I asked for a serviette in the restaurant the wait person did not know what I was talking about or could not understand me after a couple
of repeats because he/she was not used to hearing  Kiwi accents. 
I use to look at James with a help me  - what is it called look. 
whereby James would know what I meant and tell the wait person
'a napkin'. 

Several times these days I have to pat James on the arm for him to
stop or ask him to please not interrupt me because he hears me
pause in speech as I think and assumes I need help with my words again and starts talking for me, which are often not what I was saying.  We are getting better with this as we are talking about it at home and communicating some of our problems.

So, yes I understand and agree we have done to each other the
same interpretation and started to respond before the other had
really finished and answered in the wrong context.  I think communication and listening skills are learned and not something
we are just born with.

Like learning to be assertive than being angry as anger and
passiveness are one emotion or the other - but that is another topic altogether.  *grin*

In regards to your sentence how we say something and how the
other person hears.  I have found that is not necessarily the words
we say - but the tone of voice and the empathis on our words that
gets the reaction from the other person.  In our house, I have to
speak loudly because James is hearing impaired and with TV, radio
or other noises around.  also I have always spoken fairly loudly due
to my home life back in NZ - my siblings and late parents are a rowdy lot!   So with my NZ accent that goes up and down while I talk which
is normal for Kiwi's and then speaking loudly and clearly so I can be
heard also being a brutally honest person - I am not always a good
mix *lol*

Amanda