Hello Jill and Friends

  Jill, you mentioned something that is really important when dealing with abusive situations. Getting out of the situation is          " easier said than done ". Abuse can be very disabling. It destroys the self esteem, there are fear issues, economic issues and a host of other reasons why the abused cannot find their way out.

  In my experience, I can't remember a single time when abuse was a one time incident. The victims are " revictimized over and over before they finally reach the point where they can leave. Unfortunately, the abuse most often escalates over time and often times ends up in a life or death situation that has to be dealt with immediately.

   The following article is an excellant report on the Reality Of Revictimization.

Reality and Revictimization
...Why not everyone can just "move on" and "choose a happy future"
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The concept that a victim can always consciously choose how to proceed, is wrong. Abuse is trauma and the ability to take steps forward is often impaired. Sometimes, help is needed.

The phrase, "move on with your life" is common. Sometimes said to those who have lost a custody battle, lost a home, or savings, a family or job this phrase can be another betrayal. Just when a victim needs support, they are asked to go it alone.

The entire infrastructure of a life is often destroyed leaving the victim, stunned, hypervigilant, indigent, betrayed and perplexed as to why they are expected to "choose" to not be a victim. Give them a time machine and this can be done. Give them revictimization and it cannot.

It's time to give that word back its status and in doing so, give respect to the abused. Respect comes in the form of providing help with a compassionate approach to those who have been stripped of dignity through abuse in courts of law, or by their partners.

What is the definition of a "victim"?

According to the dictionary a victim is: One who is harmed by, or made to suffer from an act, circumstance, agency, or condition; a person who is tricked, swindled, or taken advantage of.

The victim of a narcissist is traumatized. There are biochemical changes in the body and structural changes in the brain. Thought patterns change, memories are lost, immune system strongly affected, brain cells die, there is chest pain, muscle pain, feelings are intense and emotions chaotic.

Why are victims revictimized?

Because it's politically correct to say, "I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor."

Not all victims are the same.

Some have more resiliency than others. Some are without resources or support. Many have physiological changes that need to be addressed. And when those who need help come looking for it, instead of being welcomed, they find "helpers" that tell them they are responsible for their healing NOW. These people are revictimizing because "choice" is NOT always an option.

Reclaim the Word Victim

We must reclaim the word "victim" and renew our commitment to those who are victims. We should examine the role of a victim impact statement and victim advocate for those who are traumatized emotionally as well as from a criminal act.

Are you being victimized again by someone who says, "if you won't stop being a victim. I won't help you"? Maybe your attorney, therapist,siblings, or friends are claiming you can just choose to stop being a victim. Maybe they think you can start a company without money, and buy a house with bad credit. Maybe they don't know what they are talking about.

As a victim of any kind of abuse you deserve:
1. Compassion
2. Validation
3 Freedom from therapeutic verbal abuse
4. A support team to open doors to resources
5. A friend, therapist or counselor who can teach you the skills to rebuild your life.

Depending on who you are, this may take a long time or not. Variables include amount and length of abuse, health, supportive family or not, finances, genetic explanatory style (optimism or pessimism), coping skills you may already have and many others. As a victim, you have the right to say, "STOP" to those who blame the victim. An entire self help industry has arisen that believes if you just really really wanted to, you can be happy and healthy and fully functional as soon as you choose to be. A starting point for recovery are post traumatic stress sites. There you will find trained and compassionate support people with articles that explain trauma healing methods.

The Scientific Basis of Healing, Happiness and Recovery

It doesn't matter if you call yourself a victim, survivor or Martian. No one should deny you victim status. It is what is. A victim is not a slothlike creature, nor stupid. Nor is a victim responsible for what happened to her and we must stop worrying about language and start helping. A victim is a person with a life in chaos. What matters is that you get the help you need and the compassionate trained person to give you the skills.

The good news is that happiness is trainable, resiliency comes back and psychologists are moving from the Freudian model which has dominated psychology for too long and was wrong to boot, to a model that moves from pathology as the dominant scheme. The process of de-traumatization begins with validation. It then moves to retraining explanatory style. Depending on the depth and time of the abuse, it may take a long or short time to process to empowerment and control. IT IS NOT NECESSARY to analyze every event.

It IS necessary to be heard and listened to and to tell your story. Validation is critical.

Hello Everybody

    The following is just a little awareness message that I thought I would share with you all. Happy Easter Everybody and many Blessings to you and your families.

Here are the latest updates for billyv5@yahoo.com "SANCTUARY FOR THE ABUSED" - 2 new articles APRIL IS SEXUAL ASSAULT AWARENESS MONTH The Nat... Domestic Violence Victim Bill of Rights * You ha... APRIL IS SEXUAL ASSAULT AWARENESS MONTH The Nat... APRIL IS SEXUAL ASSAULT AWARENESS MONTH The National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) announces that in April, Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM), the nation will witness a wide variety of awareness raising events. Baker points out, “events may be small or large but the hope is that together they will send a clear message to the nation: sexual assault affects everyone and we must now Decide to End Sexual Violence!” The NSVRC provides resources and information on sexual violence to rape crisis centers, state and territory coalitions, allied organizations, agencies, educators, media and the general public. Phone toll free: 877-739-3895 or visit www.nsvrc.org. National Calendar of Events APRIL IS CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION MONTH TO TOLERATE SOMETHING IS TO GIVE IT PERMISSION TO EXIST Prevent Child Abuse America abyss2hope: A rape survivor's zigzag journey into the open: Blog Against Sexual Violence Day Participant Links - ongoing • Email to a friend • Search • Domestic Violence Victim Bill of Rights * You ha... Domestic Violence Victim Bill of Rights * You have the right NOT to be abused. * You have the right to anger over past abuse. * You have a right to choose to change the situation. * You have a right to freedom from fear of abuse. * You have a right to request and expect assistance from police or social agencies. * You have a right to share your feelings and not be isolated from others. * You have a right to want a better role model of communication for yourself and your children. * You have a right to be treated like an adult. * You have a right to leave the abusive environment. * You have a right to privacy. * You have a right to express your own thoughts and feelings. * You have a right to develop your individual talents and abilities without harrasssment. * You have a right to legally prosecute the abusing spouse. * You have a right not to be perfect. (Adapted from; Victimology: An International Journal., Vol. 2 1977-78, No. 3-4, p.550) • Email to a friend • Search •

'SURVIVOR QUOTES' (a site of insightful quotes ...

(a site of insightful quotes from those who have been there & lived to tell the tale)

The Beginning
“I was seeing Mr. Wonderful for a little over a year. The first 6 months or so were... wonderful. He told me he loved me, alluded to our future, was warm and ‘connecting.’ Of COURSE there were flags; he was coming on strong, and I knew he was very intelligent and intuitive and I couldn’t shake the feeling he was letting in under my radar; I hated his flirting and how I’d go for days without hearing from him sometimes; but I trusted him and he was saying things I wanted to hear. Then the splitting started, and I started to unravel. Back and forth, bonding and withdrawing—he never broke us up, but would say he didn’t see how it could last, and he thought we ‘might’ be incompatible, ‘might’ not, he didn’t know. I was bewildered and fought a long time (WAY too long) to figure out what I was doing ‘wrong,’ what was going on, what he was thinking. And then he’d always bond again with persuasive ‘sincerity.’ Finally I told him I meant it—I wanted a commitment or not. I kept some distance for weeks and he never committed OR let go, seemingly ‘proving’ that he loved me even though I wasn’t ‘feeding’ him, though probably I was. About 2 months ago he said some pivotal things and I totally surrendered. LATER THAT DAY he withdrew again. I left.”

“His facade was so polished. Had I not been clouded with my own ego needs I would have recognised a wounded animal that was doing the best he knew how to survive. I was perplexed when he bit at me for no reason, retreated to his cave quite frequently.”

“When we met he portrayed himself as a sensitive new age guy (SNAG) and courted me heavily. I wanted to BELIEVE in his portrayal and enjoyed the courtship so we satisfied each other’s scenarios.”

Buying the Lie
“I chose mates who in the dating phase of the relationship were kind, romantic, fun, funny, seemed to possess good character and insight, intelligence and sensitivity {one was a special-ed teacher and published poet, one was a musician, the hair color N taught seminars in conflict management...'bite me'....} The person you fall for at the start is not the person you wind up living with at the end.”

“Sometimes he is the most caring, generous person I know - those times are few and far in between, but it is at those times that I think he can't possibly be an N. But the fact of the matter is that he is - he is also a gambler, alcoholic, spendaholic and so forth. He definitely lives only for today and it drives me crazy. I have supported him financially for four years now and it still continues. I make his life so easy - no wonder he wants me in it - I have to realize though that I deserve someone who wants me in their life because they actually love me.”

“We fall prey to the seduction, it is irresistible. Then the nightmare of horror begins. The shabby treatment, the avoidance. I couldn’t believe it was happening to me. He had been so sincere, so kind. It was Jekyl and Hyde.”

“Friends and family kept warning me of him and what he was doing to me, but I believed that he had been hurt so badly by others that I could “love” him healthy. It didn’t work and wont ever work. A friend gave me a piece of advice that is lifesaving to me ... he said if you keep playing with a snake, eventually it will bite you ... well, I heard it but didn’t take it to heart…”

The Right Victim
“They go for the strongest and the best, but preferably those who are something of rebels within the group...the LEAST controllable. Because if they can crush them, they crush most of the rest at the same time. If they start at the bottom, with the weakest, it’s a long way to work their way up…The ideal target is therefore, strong, smart, rebellious and vulnerable through previous abuse.”

“These guys can sniff it out. They know a good person when they see one and use every means, every method to ‘get some’!”

“A caretaker focuses all the attention on others and not themselves, and a N wants all the attention focused on him. The glove fits.”

“…they are so selfish, they just want everything done for them. Some of them are parasites, so who else would they try to latch onto but a caretaker, and bleed them dry.”

Living with them
“It was like trying to raise another kid, but an irrational, mean one at that. One who couldn’t, wouldn’t learn and it was all my fault.”

“At some point in the relationship I realised that my role was no longer ‘partner’... it had evolved to mentor, coach, and at times I felt more like a mother than anything else.”

“That mother-love is so good, so unconditional. I too loved him after he treated me poorly time after time. He loved the Mother-love and he hated it. All children do.”

“He cheated on me endlessly, used women for money and sex, kept telling me it was my fault, and the sorry thing is I believed him because of low self-esteem. So for years I thought that if I tried a little harder, worked harder, pleased him more, did more at our business, then he would wake up and see what a wonderful person I am...but no. He would blame everything that happened to us on me. Said people didn’t respect him as much as they should because I would try to tell people about our home life and it sounded too made-up and crazy... how could this wonderful, charismatic man be so bad?”

“For 23 years he made excuses for her behavior and he hid behind the lies, hoping against all odds, that she would somehow transform herself through his love. She did not, in fact she got worse, not better at all.”

“I knew that his emotional world was comparable to the way a shark feeds. If you study sharks it is a great metaphor for the emotional world of an N. Their whole being, I mean every word, gesture and action is to present a false picture and to supply their insatiable need to avoid emotional contact with others without losing their supply and false sense of perfection. It quite a balancing act for them. And you better believe that they are very good at it because they have been at it since childhood and for them it is a matter of survival.”

“They steal the innocent, harmless fun out of life.......It’s like you find yourself in a position where all the good things and good intentions in the world are somehow blocked from applying to you. As though they poison the sunlight. They try to gag and ban truth... You get to feeling like there is no safety, no hiding place, no-one you can trust...”

“They are trapped in the mind of a two year old, and they possess no cognitive ability to reason, to negotiate, to cooperate, to give and take, to love, to empathize. Rather their lives consist of ultimatums, demands, greed, egocentric thinking, bullying, temper tantrums, and a plethora of ‘I wants’ and ‘Give me’s’ etc.“

Devaluing
"To my experience, a favored technique for Narcissists is to debilitate your identity

THERE IS MUCH MORE TO THIS ARTICLE AT THE FOLLOWING LINK

http://us.f431.mail.yahoo.com/ym/ShowLetter?

Hello Everybody

   When it comes to hurt and pain in a relationship, I believe that the worst of all comes from betrayal. More than once, the woman i loved had cheated on me and there is nothing that could have hurt me more. Also, the trust issue that developed caused a lot of problems in future relationships. Anyone familiar with this ?

SANCTUARY FOR THE ABUSED" - 1 new article

What is a Betrayal Trauma? What is Betrayal Trau...

What is a Betrayal Trauma?
What is Betrayal Trauma Theory?

Short Definitions
The phrase "betrayal trauma" can be used to refer to a kind of trauma (independent of the reaction to the trauma). E.g. This definition is on the web: "Most mental health professionals have expanded the definition of trauma to include betrayal trauma.

Betrayal trauma occurs when the people or institutions we depend on for survival or those we trust violate us in some way. An example of betrayal trauma is childhood physical, emotional, or sexual abuse." LINK

The phrase "Betrayal Trauma theory" is generally used to refer to the prediction/theory about the cause of unawareness and amnesia as in: "Betrayal Trauma Theory: A theory that predicts that the degree to which a negative event represents a betrayal by a trusted needed other will influence the way in which that events is processed and remembered."

History of Terminology
Jennifer Freyd introduced the terms "betrayal trauma" and "betrayal trauma theory" in 1991 at a presentation at Langley Porter Psychiatric Institute:

Freyd, J.J. Memory repression, dissociative states, and other cognitive control processes involved in adult sequelae of childhood trauma. Invited paper given at the Second Annual Conference on A Psychodynamics - Cognitive Science Interface, Langley Porter Psychiatric Institute, University of California, San Francisco, August 21-22, 1991.

From that talk:

"I propose that the core issue is betrayal -- a betrayal of trust that produces conflict between external reality and a necessary system of social dependence. Of course, a particular event may be simultaneously a betrayal trauma and life threatening. Rape is such an event. Perhaps most childhood traumas are such events."

Betrayal trauma theory was introduced: "The psychic pain involved in detecting betrayal, as in detecting a cheater, is an evolved, adaptive, motivator for changing social alliances. In general it is not to our survival or reproductive advantage to go back for further interaction to those who have betrayed us.

However, if the person who has betrayed us is someone we need to continue interacting with despite the betrayal, then it is not to our advantage to respond to the betrayal in the normal way. Instead we essentially need to ignore the betrayal....

If the betrayed person is a child and the betrayer is a parent, it is especially essential the child does not stop behaving in such a way that will inspire attachment. For the child to withdraw from a caregiver he is dependent on would further threaten his life, both physically and mentally. Thus the trauma of child abuse by the very nature of it requires that information about the abuse be blocked from mental mechanisms that control attachment and attachment behavior. One does not need to posit any particular avoidance of psychic pain per se here -- instead what is of functional significance is the control of social behavior. "

                      

                      

 

May a smile follow you to sleep each night,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

           and be there waiting,,, when you awaken.

 

Sincerly, Bill Vanderbilt

 

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"SANCTUARY FOR THE ABUSED" - 1 new article

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"I'll Change, I Promise" Six Signs of Real Repenta...

"I'll Change, I Promise"
Six Signs of Real Repentance

by Bryce Klabunde, Vice President Pastoral Ministries

1. Repentant people are willing to confess ALL their sins, not just the sins that got them in trouble. A house isn't clean until you open every closet and sweep every corner.

People who truly desire to be clean are completely honest about their lives. They don't ignore, evade or duck questions. No more secrets.

2. Repentant people face the pain that their sin caused others. They invite the victims of their sin (anyone hurt by their actions) to express the intensity of emotions that they feel-anger, hurt, sorrow, and disappointment.

Repentant people do not give excuses or shift blame. They made the choice to hurt others, and they must take full responsibility for their behavior.

3. Repentant people ask forgiveness from those they hurt. They realize that they can never completely "pay off" the debt they owe their victims. Repentant people don't pressure others to say, "I forgive you."

Forgiveness is a journey, and the other person needs time to deal with the hurt before they can forgive. All that penitent people can do is admit their indebtedness and humbly request the undeserved gift of forgiveness.

4. Repentant people remain accountable to a small group of mature people. They gather a group of friends around themselves who hold them accountable to a plan for clean living. They invite the group to question them about their behaviors. And they follow the group's recommendations regarding how to avoid temptation.

5. Repentant people accept their limitations. They realize that the consequences of their sin (including the distrust) will last a long time, perhaps the rest of their lives. They understand that they may never enjoy the same freedom that other people enjoy.

Sex offenders or child molesters, for example, should never be alone with children.

Alcoholics must abstain from drinking.

Adulterers and sex addicts must put strict limitations on their time with members of the opposite sex and account to their partners.

That's the reality of their situation, and they willingly accept their boundaries.

6. Repentant people are faithful to the daily tasks God has given them.

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