Hi Bill,

Wow!   This is quite a topic and this article is excellent.

Having been raised by narcissist mother, I well know the signs.  It took me years to do my best to become just the opposite.  Then I spent untold time trying to inspire her to change, but sadly to no avail!:-)

And, for many more years I spent all my time trying to please these kind of personalities until my energy was just drained.  The following paragraph describes this to a tee: "Despite his bubble of grandiosity, the narcissist is remarkably thin-skinned, forever taking offense and feeling mistreated, especially when people appear to have eliminated the extras in their response to him. Less than special immediately implies that someone may be thinking the emperor is naked, precisely what he fears. He is enraged whenever the aching corns of his insecurities are stepped on."    

It is sad, but I finally had to learn to avoid these situations by just sending the person LOVE and walking away keeping my own energy intact!

I hope many people will see this forum and learn more about this personality trait and try to get help.

Bless you,  Jill

Hello Lisa

    Welcome to my humble abode. I am happy to have been some help for you and your friend. It is not only just   what I do but, just about all I do these days. Just ask Ally LOL. Personality disorders are very common.  In fact, if you think about it, without them, there would be very few arguements and probably never a war. I am just hoping that if even a few of us gain a little more understanding about life, the world will become just a little bit better place to live. As you can see, I have compiled quite a lot of information about human nature in my 90 some threads here. If you can't find an answer here, just ask your question and I will start digin right away OK.

   By the way. You might want to be a bit careful about blaming God for me showing up in your life. He might not like that. LOL.  Your sig line.

Hello Jill

  It is so nice to see you here. What you have said here explaines exactly what it is that I am hoping for with my forums. You completed the whole precess. You were in the clutches of a narsisist as a child. You learned about it and realized that you wanted to be diferent than that. You studied it some more and then you learned to deal with it in yor life. You ofer a little love and the you walk away. Keeping your energy in tack.

 Leave it to you to sum up in a paragraph what I have been trying to say in 92 threads. LOL I have been told that I had a special way with words but I didn't think they meant I just used too many of them LOL.

By the way, you and Tracy here might want to get together for a little chat sometime.You have a common friend in Debra Shively Welch.

Hello Tracy

   PLease do not, under any circumstances,,,,,,,,,,mail me that darned gullbladder. It would surely clash with our furniture and it just looks so nice,, sitting there on your mantle.

 Speaking of fish, did you ever see the movie Free Willy. Well, that's what Ally is starting to look like now. Pretty soon I will have to put her on the mantle to get her out of my path to the bathroom. Ahh, but she is so beautiful. There is nothing so beautiful as that special glow of a woman preparing to give birth. It is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Hello Everybody

  Here is a very interesting article with a lot of great tips on how to recognize and deal with the narcissist in your life. There is a lot of information in this article so be sure to click on the link at the bottom. This article will help you put the power back in perspective and in the right place. In your hands.

SANCTUARY FOR THE ABUSED" - 1 new article

VERBAL MANIPULATION #1 "I'm wondering why you're...

VERBAL MANIPULATION

#1 "I'm wondering why you're reading this page."

Are you looking at these words trying to figure out how to respond? If so, you just took the bait. Have a look at the words again "I'm wondering why you're reading this page." Notice anything odd?? -- It's not a question!! It's a statement!! Don't answer statements.

Here's another: Your abuser is in the kitchen and says:"I can't find the sugar." Did you jump up to get it for him? If so, then his manipulative tactic worked. He didn't even have to ask you to get it. He only had to state his dilemma. You are being conditioned to respond. He has you pegged as a 'people pleaser' the perfect target.

Abusers hate asking questions because it means they may loose control. So they use the 'disguised question'. Watch for them. They often have a "rING" to them (I'm wondering, hoping, thinking) or "Perhaps you'd ..." "I wish you'd..." "I suppose you're going to..." "I noticed there wasn't..."

Another trick is 'attributed' statements. "We were wondering" "They said..." "She said...." They "attribute their statements to somebody else or a 'group.' This tactic, of course, places blame elsewhere, and is intimidating as it appears to involve others.

Strategy #1. Answer Questions only, never answer statements -- Train your ears to recognize and distinguish which are comments and which are questions. Learn to ask Yes/No question. Repeat their last 3 or 4 words back to them, in a questioning manner. Be fully aware of any potential for violence, and if so, leave NOW!! Abusive questions like "Are you still beating your wife?" are a common insult. Watch out for these insult and accusation-disguised questions. An abuser's well-worn tactic. It's one of the oldest tricks in the book. Don't dignify it with a response.
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#2 "WE were hoping you'd..."

WHOA, HOLD THE PHONE .... "WE" ??? - that's the oldest trick in the book -- that ''WE' they throw out means YOU are being targeted. If all goes well, he takes the credit and, if not you'll be playing receiver in his blame game. Examples "If we could..." "We were hoping..." "We should..."

Strategy #2. Make a fast exit when you hear the 'WE' word.
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#3 F O G = Fear, Obligation and Guilt

Dr. Susan Forward does a fantastic job of describing FOG in her important book Emotional Blackmail. It rolls in slowly and blinds our ordinarily good judgement. Be on the watch for it!!

Examples: "Don't you care if...." "If you loved me..." "Everyone knows that..." "Every decent person..." Don't you think you (we) should..." "Why don't you..." "Wouldn't it be better if..." "Can't you take a joke?" "You could never do..." "I thought that's what you wanted" "Do we all agree..." "It's reasonable to expect..." "We've already...." "I needed to..." "You don't think I meant...do you?" "We were counting on you to..." "Aren't you going to..."

Strategy #3. Know your vulnerabilities to 'FOG'. Minimize your exposure to them, and say "No". Ignore their words and be aware of our susceptibility of wanting to reply to their questions/statements. Don't take their bait. Expect them to howl - let them.
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#4 Picking a Fight - The Confrontational Choice of Words

"Why do you always..." "Do you expect me to..." "I can't believe you would..." "I thought we were going to..." "Why should I have to..." "I've been told that..." "How could you..." "Why don't you..." "Did you hear me?" "Well, does that mean that I have to...." "I thought you..." "Don't you think you(we) should..." Are you telling me..." "I thought we agreed..." "Only an idiot would..." are examples of verbal attack moves. These are phrases used to put you on the defensive. So, like a good chess player, set up a strategic counter move. Just say "That's my decision", "I know you're unhappy, but that's the way it is" "I'll have to think about that" "You seem upset" "We don't always have to agree." "I prefer it that way" Learn the art and science of not taking the bait. Let some things slide. Don't respond to bad behaviour. It's their confrontational chip-on-the-shoulder that you're seeing now. These confrontational questions are pure bait and he's looking for a fight. Don't take the bait!!

Strategy #4. Be aware of verbal tactics that make you feel you want to defend yourself. Know you do not have to defend yourself. To minimize their ability to 'bait' you it may be best to just agree and say "You're right" and drop the subject. One difficult part of this is to realize it's hard for us to not say "I'm sorry but..." Expect the inevitable hissy-fit rage when they're manipulation is ended, IGNORE THEIR WORDS, simply say something like "We'll talk later when you aren't so upset." Try to avoid saying "I'm sorry but..."
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#5 The 'silent treatment' is another form of abuse

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