Hello Friends,
Here's a few laughs to help you pass the time this weekend.
Intelligence
Two goobers were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"
"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
He climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"
"Intelligence," the boss said.
"What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."
The goober took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss's hand. At the last second, the boss removed his hand and the goober hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The goober went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?"
"He said we are down here because of intelligence."
"What's intelligence?" said the friend.
The goober put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
Little Johnny
Little Johnny's mother was having difficulty gulping down the birthday cake he had made for her as a surprise. When she was finished, Little Johnny happily exclaimed,
"I'm so glad you like it, Mommy. There should have been 32 candles on the cake, but they were all gone when I took it out of the oven."
Illegal Turn
A man, in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"Aw, Dad, it's okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
And finally, here's the official...
International Rules of Manhood
- Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
- It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) when a heroic dog dies to save its master; (b) after wrecking his boss's car; or (c) one hour, twelve minutes, thirty-seven seconds into "The Crying Game."
- Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
- Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within twelve hours.
- If you've known a guy for more than twenty-four hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
- Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
- No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering his buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, he must celebrate at a bar of the birthday boy's choice.
- On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
- When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
- It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach, it's delivered by a gorgeous woman, and it's free.
- Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy.
- Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
- If a man's fly is down, that's his problem; you didn't see anything.
- Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports
watchers.
- A man in the company of an extremely attractive woman must remain sober enough to fight.
- Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just greedy.
- Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours.
- It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
- Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange, or sky blue.
- The woman who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a PS3. End of story.
- There is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or men's gymnastics. Ever.
Have A Great Weekend My Friends,
Phil