Hello Friends, Here's a few funnies about Lawyers. Hope they will give you a laugh or two...
A Compasionate Lawyer
Driving through town in his BMW, a successful young lawyer spotted two man on the side of the road eating grass out of somebody's yard. Moved by how desperate the men had become, he pulls over to have a word with them,
"Hey fellas, what is going on? Why are you eating grass?" asks the lawyer.
"We're down on our luck, have no jobs and are very poor!", they both respond.
"Well then, come with me" the lawyer insists. "I'll do what I can to help, after all - it's clear you're desperate and you're clearly willing to do what it takes to get by."
After a fifteen minute drive, the two poor men arrive at a beautiful estate on five acres of land right on the 18th hole of a prestigious golf course. They became excited at the chance to finally get some work.
"Sir, we can't thank you enough! Thank you so much for this opportunity. We will make you happy!" they exclaimed with joy!
"Ah, it's no problem. I'm just happy to help." replied the compassionate lawyer. You can eat all the grass you want, it's got to be at least a foot tall by now!"
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What Do Your Parents Do For A Living?
An elementary school teacher was asking her students what their parents did for a living. "Jeffrey, please be first," she said. "Tell the class, what does your mother do?" Jeffrey stood up and proudly boasted, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?" Amy shyly stood up, shuffled her feet a bit and said, "My dad's a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy," said her teacher. "What about your father, Jimmy?" Jimmy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse!"
The teacher was taken aback, and promptly changed the subject to social studies. Later that day she went to Jimmy's house and knocked on the door. Jimmy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said, and demanded the father provide an explanation.
Jimmy's father said, "Well, I'm actually an attorney. But how can you explain a thing like that to a six year old?"
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The Ambitious Young Law Clerk
An ambitious, young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee every morning. And, every morning, the judge became infuriated when the coffee cup was brought to him just 2/3 full.
With his back to the corner, the young clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. After weeks of yelling and insults, nothing the judge said to the young clerk produced a full cup of coffee - until he threatened to cut the clerk's pay by 1/3 if he continued to produce 1/3 less than the judge wanted.
The following morning, the judge was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
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Lawyers Make The Best Patients
Two new surgeons at the hospital were discussing the qualities of their favorite patients. "I like contractors myself" says one. "They don't even flinch when I tell them I underestimated the cost and length of surgery."
"Well, I had an electrician yesterday" another says. "It was beautiful everything inside well marked and color coded!'
An older surgeon passing by heard them, and cut in. "You fellas ain't seen nothing yet" he tells them "By far the best patients are lawyers- they have no heart, no spine, little guts, and the head and butt are fully interchangeable!"
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Stop Or Slow Down
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign"
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving snot out of the lawyer and says "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
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And finally, my favorite for this evening...
Qualifying To Enter Heaven
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered. "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned his attention to the lawyer... "Name them."
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Have A Terrific Sunday My Friends,
Phil