Hello My Friend,

Ready for a few more Chuckles to end the Weekend?

List of Chores

I was going away for a few days and left my husband a list of chores. For fun, I put down as Item 5: Think about your
wife a lot.

After I returned, my husband proudly reported that he had completed every job. When I saw the list, however, each item except No. 5 had been crossed off. "What's this!" I exclaimed. "Didn't you think about me while I was gone?"

My chagrin vanished when he replied cheerfully, "I started to, but just never finished."

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Making Faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made an ugly face, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

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Cletus

Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos.

He asks him what it does, and the co-worker responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

Cletus is amazed, and when he gets home, he immediately goes out and buys one. The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object.

The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What do you have in it?"

He says, "Soup and ice cream!"

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Anger & Exasperation

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"

"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.

"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!" the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"

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Checking Out

I was checking out at a busy supermarket and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and then the cashier spilled a handful of coins.

When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22. Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean pole yourself!"

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Have A Great Evening My Friends,

Phil

Hi Cheryl,

Thanks for stopping by with the Father's Day Wishes and Thanks for sharing such an Adorble Picture. As you know, I do love my Kitty Cats! Here's a few more Chuckles to enjoy...

A Nervous Minister

A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"

A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that."

The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly: "And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes."

Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?"

The member of the flock said, "I sure could."

"How would you do it?"

"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"

__________

Just A Little Gas?

A young woman was walking out of Church one Sunday morning when the Preacher noticed that she seemed to be gaining weight. Since he had always thought that she was a bit too thin, he asked her politely, "Gaining a little weight aren't we my dear?"

"No, Pastor. It's just a little gas," the young lady explained.

A month or so later the Preacher noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining a little more weight aren't we Susan?" he asked again.

"Oh no, Pastor. Just a little more gas," she replied again.

A couple of months later the Preacher noticed the young Woman pushing a baby carriage down the aisle as she was leaving. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."

__________

Night Shift

Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts.

The sleeping quarters consist of a large room with several single beds, so we get to know one another's habits, like who snores or talks in his sleep. While I was having my teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that some of my teeth were chipped.

"It looks like you clench your jaw at night," he said.

"No way," I blurted without thinking. "No one has ever said I grind my teeth, and I've slept with a lot of people!"

__________

New Bicycle

I was visiting customers in their home one afternoon. While I was talking to them, their four-year-old little girl, whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle. Do you want to see it?"

I said, "Sure, Michelle." So off to the backyard we went. Upon getting there, I saw a brand-new girl's bicycle. "Wow, Michelle! That's a beautiful bicycle," I complimented. "Can you ride it?"

"Yeah, I can ride it," she said, and then with a sad face she pouted, "but it's broke."

I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it falls down!"

__________

And finally, in Honor of Father's Day yesterday...

Paternal Payback

On the day I received my learner's permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver's seat. "Why aren't you sitting up front on the passenger's side?" I asked.

"Kirsten, I've been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl," Dad replied. "Now it's my turn to sit back here and kick the seat."

~Happy Father's Day~

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Have A Happy Week,

Phil

Hello Friends,

Just when you thought that I'd maybe left town or something, I'm back with a few more Chuckles to brighten the week.

Curious Chimp

Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant happens to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book in either hand, looking first at one and then at the other. Upon closer examination, he identifies the books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Curious, he asks the chimp, "What's with the books?"

The chimp replies, "I'm trying to decide whether I'm my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

A Natural Born Salesman

I learned a lesson in marketing from a man who bought an old boat, a trailer, and a motor from me. "Thanks," he said as he loaded them up. "I'm planning to resell them.

Good luck, I thought. I had been trying to get rid of them for months. But when I ran into him a few weeks later, he'd sold everything.

"How did you manage that?" I marveled.

"I took out an ad: 'Heavy-duty boat trailer with free boat.' When the buyer came to get it, I asked if he had a motor. He said no. I told him I happened to have one in my garage.

Bought that, too."

Memories

An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to.

So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things.

The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen.

His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns.

He says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I’m just going to the kitchen, I'll remember."

"Well, I want that with nuts, too."

"O.K. he says ice cream with nuts."

She asks again if he's going to write it down.

"No, I'm just going to the kitchen."

"And a Cherry on the top?"

He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down.

Now the old man is angry, "Look, old lady I'm not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top." He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife.

She looks up and says, "Honey, you forgot my toast."

A Letter From Grandma

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and started screaming. What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...

Just then, I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii; so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love Always,

Grandma

Y'all Have A Happy Week,

Phil

Loving the new funnies Phil! I just have to stop by here for a laugh once in a while. I know you got this one from our friend Myrna the other day. I sent it to a couple of friends, one really found it amusing, the other did not comment.

New Book - "How to Understand Women!!"

Have you got your copy yet???

Hugs,

Sara