Hello My Friends,

Since we're just 5 days away from St Patrick's Day on March 17th, I thought we'd celebrate a tad early with a wee bit of Irish Humor.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were fixing fish. This went on each Friday of Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John - he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around.

The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over at John's place to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

The rich American couldn't undertand why the Irish angler was lying lazily beside his boat on the beach, smoking a pipe. "Why aren't you out fishing?" asked the American.

"Because I have caught enough fish for the day," said the fisherman.

"Why don't you catch some more?"

"What would I do with them?"

"You could sell them and make more money," was the American's reply. "With that you could have a motor fixed to your boat and go into deeper waters and catch more fish. Then you would make enough to buy nets. These would bring you more fish and more money. Soon you would have enough money to own two boats . . . maybe even a fleet of boats. Then you would be a rich man like me."

"What would I do then?" asked the fisherman.

"Then you could really enjoy life." said the American.

"And what do you suppose I might be doing right now?" said the Irishman, smiling and puffing away on his pipe.

When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion.

On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?"

Mom whispered something in his ear.

Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."

A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big rummage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, cut the grass, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now the teacher was starting to smile - this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

Bursting with pride for them, the teacher continued: "So, how can I get into Heaven?"

Five-year-old Sean shouted out, "YOU HAVE TO BE DEAD."

Have A Happy St Patrick's Day,

Phil

Hello Friend,

Well, it's St. Patrick's Eve. Tomorrow's the Big Day! I hate to keep joking about Irish Drunks, but then again, they're so easy! So, here it goes once more...

* * * * * * * * * *

A man was walking on a Belfast street one at night when suddenly he was confronted with a masked man who had a gun pointed right at him.

The gunman said "Are you Protestant or Catholic?"

The man was scared out of his wits but figured that he had to give some kind of an answer.

Praying for guidance he replied - "Neither - I'm Jewish!".

Silence for about 5 seconds, then the gunman's reply - "Is that so? Well let me tell you, you're talking to the first Arab in Belfast!"

* * * * * * * * * *

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up once again and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

* * * * * * * * * *

Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan.

The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan.

One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?"

"Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!"

* * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * *

A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him.

He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am.

The first man yells "Barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well."

The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first.

Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here.

Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us.

The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.

* * * * * * * * * *

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"Yes, she spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

* * * * * * * * * *

It's revolutionary Paris, 1789, and three spies from across the channel are about to be guillotined.

"Do you wan't to be beheaded on your back or your front?" The executioner asked Smith. "On my back," said Smith. "I'm not afraid of death." So Smith was laid on his back under the blade. The executioner pulled the lever. Schlick... and the blade jammed. Smith was reprieved because no man can be sentanced to death twice.

Hoskins was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade jammed, and Hoskins was reprieved. Murphy was third. "Back or front?"

"If it's good enough for Smith and Hoskins, it's good enough for me," and so Murphy was laid on his back under the blade. "Begorrah," he said. "Just a minute. I think I can see why it jams."

* * * * * * * * * *

Have A Happy St Ptrick's Day My Friends,

Phil

Hello My Friends,

Well, we've made to another Friday, so here's a few more Smiles to help us through the Weekend...

Little Child's First Bible

The little girl was sitting with her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little children's Bible, when she was very young.

Now, a few years later, the old lady was ready to spend a few sweet moments handing down the big old Family Bible, in the time-honored King James Version, to her only grandchild. Understandably excited, the youngster was asking a number of questions, both about the family members whose births and deaths were recorded therein, and about various aspects of the Scriptures themselves.

Her grandmother was endeavoring to answer all the child's questions in terms she could understand; but the one that stopped her cold was this sincere inquiry:

"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? Was it the Virgin Mary, or the King James Virgin?"

_______________

Where God Ain't

He was just a little boy, on a week's first day.
He was wandering home from Sunday School and dawdling on the way.
He scuffed his shoes into the grass; he found a caterpillar.
He found a fluffy milkweed pod, and blew out all the "filler."

A bird's nest in a tree overhead, so wisely placed on high,
Was just another wonder that caught his eager eye.
A neighbor watched his zig zag course and hailed him from the lawn;
Asked him where he'd been that day and what was going on.

"I've been to Bible School," he said and turned a piece of sod.
He picked up a wiggly worm replying, "I've learned a lot of God."
"Mmm...very fine way," the neighbor said, "for a boy to spend his time."
"If you tell me where God is, I'll give you a brand new dime."

Quick as a flash the answer came!
Nor were his accents faint.
"I'll give you a dollar, Mister,
If you can tell me where God ain't."

_______________

He Needed A Haircut

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message.

The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

_______________

Young Boy Explains The Pain In His Side

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter?

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

_______________

The End Is Near

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn around before it's too late!"

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?”

_______________

Most Popular Guy

Bubba's boss was getting tired of Bubba proclaiming that he "knew everybody" in the world.

"Okay, Bubba," his boss said one day, "Prove to me that you know everybody in the world. Do you know Tom Cruise?"

"Oh, me and Tom go way back," said Bubba.

So the boss bought airline tickets to Hollywood, and pretty soon Bubba was knocking at Tom Cruise's door, and was shortly admitted by the butler. Tom rushed to greet Bubba and invited him for lunch, and they had a good time discussing movies and things.

"Well, I'm impressed," said the boss when they left. "But I bet you don't know President Bush."

"Aw, sure I do," said Bubba, and with that they were off to Washington, and pretty soon, the White House guard was escorting the two men into the Oval Office.

"Hiya, Bubba!" said the President, warmly embracing him. After a nice visit and a chat with the Cabinet secretaries, they left. The boss was suitably impressed, but not giving up.

"Okay, Bubba, I'm going to ask you if you know the ultimate celebrity -- the Pope."

"Why, for sure I do!" said Bubba, and pretty soon they were on an airplane to Vatican City.

They found themselves in St. Peter's Square in a crowd of thousands, and Bubba said, "Heck, I can't see nothin' from here," and so he went right up to the Swiss Guards and the doors opened to him.

The boss waited outside in the square. Pretty soon the door to the upstairs balcony opened, and out comes John Paul II and Bubba. They began to smile and wave at the crowd, with their arms around each other. Shortly thereafter Bubba decided to return to the Square. When he got there, an ambulance was loading his Boss into the back.

Bubba rushed up and said, "What happened, Boss?" The boss says, "I was doing fine until you came out on the balcony and the guy next to me says, 'Who is that guy on the balcony with Bubba?'"

_______________

Have A Happy Weekend My Friends,

Phil

Hello Friends,

Back to start another Happy Week off with a few Smiles...

Knowing Your Spouse

One of the funniest memories I have of the trials and tribulations of making the journey from childhood to adulthood was our annual summer vacation trek from Chicago to a cabin usually someplace on a lake in Wisconsin or Michigan.

Every year, it seems, we would get on a highway a few miles out of the city, and mom would wail, "Oh my goodness! I think left the iron on." And almost every year we would turn around and go back. But as I recall, not once was it was ever plugged in. She often had the same fear that all our earthly possessions would disappear in a fire caused by her forgetfulness.

When I was about 14 years old, we were headed out of Chicago for Lake Geneva, Wisconsin and, sure enough, Mom gasped, "I just know I left the iron on."

My father didn't say a word, just pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, got out, opened the trunk and handed her the iron.

_______________

Art Supply

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

_______________

Wedding Speech

My nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter.

At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion.

But after a particularly long pause, he explained, "I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down."

Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"

_______________

A-Hiking We Will Go...

Last summer, my husband, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore. One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the usual tactics to determine direction -- moss on the trees (there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day), etc., etc.

Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our camp. "That was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?" "Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country all the TV satellite dishes point south."

_______________

Accuracy

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"

_______________

Admiring Glances

While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"

_______________

After Surgery

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.

The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

_______________

Have A Happy Week My Friends,

Phil