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Hello Tommy & Jim,

Glad you both stopped by for a visit. Tommy, Thanks for the Funny Picture.

Here's a few to start off your Week with a Smile...

Ice Cream

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now." Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.

"I won't forget," the old gent said.

"But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it, so I'll write it down," she replied.

"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the gentleman.

A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast."

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At the Vet's Office

One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring.

After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense. "Sir," she interjected, "do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office?"

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Flight Engineer in Panama

As a flight engineer, I had been stationed in Panama for several months before the December 1989 invasion. Ever since I began my air force flying career, my mother has been concerned about my safety. So I expected a long letter from her expressing her anxiety.

But what she sent was a sheet of paper containing six words: "KICK THEIRS. PROTECT YOURS. LOVE, MOM."

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Broken Scale

There was a nice bathroom scale in our ship's cabin on our recent cruise. Since the sign in front of the fitness center claimed that the average cruiser gained 7 to 10 pounds during a cruise, I figured the scale was a way to help the cruiser avoid the weight gain.

I stepped on the scale. It was 10 pounds too low.

I asked my wife to try it. She said that it was registering about 10 pounds too low.

The thing was broken.

The ship had excellent service and I was super impressed with the cabin steward. I didn't mention it to him, but he must have known that our scale was out of whack and not measuring correctly. When I stepped on the scale on the last day of the cruise my weight was reading perfectly.

Excellent cruise service!

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And finally, for the Groaner of the Week...

The Sixties

The Sixties, yes, the Sixties. Time of hope, time of rebellion, time for planning new ways to do things, ways that could not be any worse that what was being done at that time.

In contrast to most of the other movements of the time, one very active group combined militant vegetarianism (not so
uncommon) with militant prohibitionism (very uncommon). They believed, in fact, that the first would automatically lead to perfect health. Eat only vegetables, love one another, and the desire and drive to consume Demon Rum would just pass away.

They believed that: "Peas would rule the planets, and love would clear the bars. It was the dawning of the age of asparagus."

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Have A Bright & Happy Week My Friends,

Phil

Hello My Friends,

Has it been that kind of a Monday?

Well, relax and have a Laugh or two!

St Peter's Quiz

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"

"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic." So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.

Next he turns to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asks.

"Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500." St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Name them."

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Charitable Case

A very rich lawyer is approached by a charity worker who is concerned that the lawyer didn't donate any money to charity, despite making over 1 million that year.

"First of all," says the lawyer, "my mother is bedridden and gets no help from social services.

Second, I have five kids through three divorce marriages.

Third, my sister's husband recently died and she has no one to support her four children."

"I'm terribly sorry," says the charity worker, "I feel bad about asking for your money."

So you should," replies the lawyer. "If I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

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Job Interview

While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:

'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'

Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'

'Why's that?' asked Pat.

'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had 'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.

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A Blonde's Brain At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day. In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

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Have A Great Week,

Phil

"Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it." ~Author Unknown

Hello My Friends,

Keeping the Chuckles flowing, here's today's Funnies...

Aging Thoroughbred

A buyer was considering purchasing an aging thoroughbred but wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before finalizing the deal. When the vet had completed his examination the potential buyer asked, "Will I be able to race him?"

The veterinarian looked at the buyer, then at the horse.

"Sure," he replied, "And you'll probably win!"

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After Church

After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning."

The father commented, "The sermon was too long."

Their 7-year-old daughter added, "Still, You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dollar."

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Admittance To Heaven

A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates.

The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected.

He queries the first candidate:"What was your annual salary, and what was your profession? "I made $150,000 as an Attorney" comes the reply. "You may enter" says the Angel.

Second candidate, same question. "I made $95,000, I was a realtor." He is also permitted to enter.

Now it is the third man's turn.

"My annual salary was $8,000." "Cool!" replies the Angel, "and what instrument did you play?"

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Air Conditioning

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

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Accents

About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.

"They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?"

"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"

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Job Interview

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

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Have A Great Day & Keep Smiling,

Phil

Hello My Friends,

Since we started,out the Week with a Grin, I really hope that we can end this Week with a Smile.

You'll Get Your Quilts

One Sunday, after church, Mom asked her little daughter what the Sunday school lesson was about. Her daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts." Needless to say, Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, "Be not afraid, thy Comforter is coming."

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Sunday Service Weddings

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

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Born In Pennsylvania

A handyman who was working for a Synagogue had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work.

First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Pittsburgh", and was thrown out.

He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Philadelphia". He was tossed out.

Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him.

The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately."

The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born"?

The rabbi says, "Bethlehem."

"Bethlehem." Cries the man. "I knew it was in Pennsylvania".

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Benefits of Tithing

There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got to the island, one of them started screaming and yelling.

"We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"

The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy.

"Don't you understand? We're going to die!!" the first man said.

"You don't understand. I make $100,000 a week," said the second man.

The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked "what difference does it make? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to die!!"

The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week. I tithe. My pastor will find me!"

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Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to my hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?"

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The Substitute Organist

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played the National Anthem ... and that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist!