Hello My Friends,

Since many of us put on a few pounds over the Holidays, here's a little Weight Loss Humor...

Twas The Month After Christmas

T'was the month after Christmas, and all through the house,
nothing would fit me, not even a blouse;
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I had to taste,
at the holiday parties had gone to my waist;

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber),
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared;

The wine and the rum balls; the bread and the cheese,
and the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
and prepared once again to do battle with dirt,
I said to myself, as only I can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip.
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
'til all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Author Unknown

_______________

The Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

_______________

And, now, a few one-liners...

My gym teacher told me to touch my toes. I said, "I don't have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?"

~~~~~

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

~~~~~

The Garlic Diet:
You don't lose weight, you just look thinner from a distance.

~~~~~

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

~~~~~

Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.

~~~~~

"At my gym they have free weights, so I took them." -- Steve Smith

~~~~~

The only exercise I get is jumping to conclusions.

~~~~~

What runs but never gets tired?
Water.

~~~~~

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

~~~~~

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out,
but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

~~~~~

The advantage of exercising everyday is that you die healthier.

~~~~~

Did you ever see the customers in a health-food store? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead. In a steak house you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying of course but they look terrific.

~~~~~

One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.

~~~~~

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

~~~~~

I don't exercise at all.
If God had wanted me to touch my toes
He would have put them up higher on my body.

~~~~~

The correct way to weigh yourself:

I can't believe we were doing it wrong all these years.
You must SPREAD THE WORD

_______________

Have A Happy Week,

Phil

Hi Sara,

Thanks for stopping by and Thanks for sharing the Cute email.

Here's a few of my favorite Blonde Jokes. Hope that some of them are new to you all...

Don't Cheat On A Blonde

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

_______________

Blonde On The Highway

One day a blonde was driving on the highway and got pulled over by a cop.

The cop said "Why do you keep swerving?"

The blonde replied "I turn one way and there's a tree, I turn again there's a tree, and then there's a whole bunch more trees popping out of nowhere."

The cop replied "Look again, Sweetheart, that's your air freshener."

_______________

Blonde In A Box

A blonde, brunette and red head escaped from jail and they were being chased by the police. As they were running through the streets, they saw an old barn, so they ran in and found three big boxes and they all jumped in and hid.

The coppers walked in the barn and saw the three boxes.

One copper says to the other, "Kick the boxes, just to make sure nothing's in them"

So the copper walks up to the first box with the brunette inside and kicked it.

The brunette said "Meow Meow" and the coppers thought it was a cat, so he walked over to the next box.

The copper then kicked the second big box with the red head in it.

The red head said "Woof Woof", so the coppers walked to the third box, thinking a dog was in the second one.

Finally, the copper kicked the third box with the blonde in it.

And the blonde said "Potatoes".

_______________

A Blonde Buys A TV

One day, a blonde goes into a store. She gets an item and walks up to the cashier. She says,"I'd like to buy this TV".

He says,"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".

The next day, she dyes her hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens.

Finally, she shaves her head and goes back in. When she tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses.

She says, "How the heck did you know I'm blonde?".

He replied, "First of all, that's a microwave."

________________

Finally, some quick One line Blonde Jokes...

Q .. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A .. The cow fell on her.

Q .. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A .. Bobbing for french fries.

Q .. Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A .. She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".

Q .. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A .. Frosted Flakes.

Q .. How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A .. There's white-out on the screen.

Q .. How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A .. There's writing on the white-out.

Q .. How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A .. There is a stamp on it.

Q .. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A .. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q .. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A .. You can park in the handicap zone.

_______________

Have A Happy Tuesday,

Phil

Hello Phil,

HANDBOOK 2011

Health :

1. Drink plenty of beer.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in
plants
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2010 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality :

11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness .
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the
curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a life time.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...

Society :

25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life :

32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Last but not the least :

40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about, we just did.
A Happy and Prosperous New Year to All............

This something I have known for a long time,
now I pass it on to you to reassure the ladies!!!

With time, women gain weight because
we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there is
no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my
butt in the mirror I will think,
Good grief, look how smart I am!

"Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day." ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.~

Hi Gaby,

Thanks for stopping by with some more Funnies. You always know how to make me smile, and you know what they say...

Thanks Again My Friend & Have A Terrific Day,

Phil