Got this one from a cousin yesterday, Phil.

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to
hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal
of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's
additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could
potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and
spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He
gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her
frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we
wear rubbers.'

Hi Sara,

That's got to be the Best One I've heard in recent memory. Thanks so much for the Laughs!

Here's a little more Pregnancy Humor...

Pregnancy Questions & Answers:

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

~~~~~

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

~~~~~

When choosing a name for your baby, go to the back door and shout it out a few times.

~~~~~

Perhaps you know why women over sixty don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

~~~~~

A new Mom took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time. She dressed her in pink from head to toe. At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put her purchases around her.
At the checkout line a small boy and his mother were ahead of them. The child was crying and begging for some special treat. He wants some candy or gum and his mother won't let him have any, she thought.
Then she heard his mother's reply. "No!" she said, looking in her direction. "You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one!"

~~~~~

Have A Happy Week,

Phil

Hello Friends,

Here's a few One-Liners for Friday...

Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

~~~~~

My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.

~~~~~

Did you hear about the big fight that Madonna, Cher, Jewel, and Fabio had?
They're no longer on a first-name basis.

~~~~~

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost
and blamed it on the cost of living.

~~~~~

If you take a shower in the morning be sure to bring it back,
someone else might need it!!

~~~~~

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

~~~~~

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

~~~~~

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

~~~~~

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

~~~~~

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

~~~~~

Just when you think you've hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

~~~~~

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

~~~~~

For Sale: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.

~~~~~

You know you are over-the-hill when you're just too tired to climb one!

~~~~~

Why is stuff sent on ships called "cargo" and UPS sends "shipments?"

~~~~~

Never criticize your wife's faults.
It might have been those faults that kept her from getting a better husband.

~~~~~

For Sale: One computer slightly used. One bullet hole in screen.

~~~~~

If a "fatal" error is made with the E-mail I sent, does that mean I killed somebody?

~~~~~

What's the speed of dark?

~~~~~

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

~~~~~

It's a small world -- unless you gotta walk home.

~~~~~

Why are there Interstate highways in Hawaii?

~~~~~

I'm going to start thinking positive, but I know it won't work.

~~~~~

~~~~~

~~~~~

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why isn't it #1?

~~~~~

The other night I laid in bed looking up at the stars and I thought to myself,
"Where the heck is the roof?"

~~~~~

With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.

~~~~~

Help Wanted - Psychic - you know where to apply.

~~~~~

Light travels faster than sound.
That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

~~~~~

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

~~~~~

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

~~~~~

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

~~~~~

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

~~~~~

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

~~~~~

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically-challenged.

~~~~~

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

~~~~~

The 50-50-90 Rule:
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

~~~~~

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

~~~~~

You can't have everything - where would you put it?

~~~~~

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

~~~~~

The things that come to those that wait
may be the things left by those who got there first.

~~~~~

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

~~~~~

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

~~~~~

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

~~~~~

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use one.

~~~~~

When you go into court you're putting yourself in the hands of 12 people
who weren't smart enough get out of jury duty.

~~~~~

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

~~~~~

Have A Great Weekend My Friends,

Phil

Great fun,

No time to contribute but time to enjoy.

Roger

Hi Roger,

Feel free to enjoy my Friend, I just love bringing everyone a smile. Here's a few more that you might like...

CONCERNS FOR BABY BOOMERS...
Then & Now

Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: Keg
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: You're growing pot.
Now: You're growing a pot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

~~~~~

"Inside every older person is a younger person...
wondering what the heck happened."

~~~~~

And of course, a little Maxine to top it off...

Have A Terrific Evening,

Phil