A Plausible Explanation?
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple and wondered about men and women. So,looking up to the heavens, he said, "Excuse me, God, can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied, "Go on, Adam, but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam said, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well, Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you."
_______________
Grandpa's Secret
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.
_______________
Blind Pilots
Airplane passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit. The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high-five.
You know, says one pilot to the other, one day they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die.
_______________
Baby What?
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen."
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
_______________
Deaf Man
An old man hadn't been able to hear for years. He finally went to see a doctor, who diagnosed his problem and restored his hearing. A month later the man returned for a follow-up.
"Your family must be happy you can hear again," the doctor said.
"Oh, I haven't told my family yet," the man said. "I just sit around and listen to them talk. So far I've changed my will three times!
_______________
Five Rules For A Man To Have A Happy Life
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, who cleans up and who has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
_______________
Elderly Customer
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"Ninety!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "Well, in that case, how much do I owe you?"
_______________
Old Lady At The Store
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, I hope I haven't made you feel weird, it's just that you look so much like my late son.
He answered, That's okay.
I know it's silly, but if you'd call out Good bye, Mom, as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, Goodbye, Mom.
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little happiness into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
That comes to $121.85, said the clerk.
How come so much? I only bought 5 items!
The clerk replied, Yeah, but your Mom said you'd be paying for her things, too.
_______________
Build It and They Will Come
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
_______________
Have A Happy Week,
Phil