"Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever"

Hi Karen,

Thanks for the Cute Cartoon. Somebody made the mistake of asking me just the other day how I was feeling. I told them I was feeling "fine", but then went on to add...

I'm FINE, Thank You!

There is nothing the matter with me.
I'm as healthy as I can be.
I have arthritis in both of my knees
and when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, and my blood is thin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

Arch supports I have for my feet,
Or I wouldn't be able to be on the street,
Sleep is denied me night after night'
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory is failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
Old age is golden I've heard it said
But sometimes I wonder as I get into bed.

With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
My eyes on the table until I wake up.
Ere sleep overtake me, I say to myself,
"Is there anything else I could lay on the shelf?
I get up each morning and dust off my wits
And pick up the paper and read the "Obits",
If my name is still missing I know I'm not dead,
So I have a good breakfast and go back to bed.

The moral is this as my tale I unfold...
That for you and me who are growing old,
It's better to say "I'm fine" with a grin
Than to let folks know the shape we are in.

Have A Happy Week My Friend,

Phil

Hi Karen,

Thanks for the Grins my Friend. Here's a few Hospital-Related funnies that I thought you all might like...

Two Hearts In The ER

A man having terrible chest pain/pressure is brought to the hospital ER and diagnosed with a massive MI.

The doctor tells him that he won't live unless he has a heart transplant right away.

Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want.

One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker".

The man quickly responds, "I'll take the attorney's".

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

_______________

Last Will

The other night my wife and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer.

She's such a jerk!

_______________

A Psychologist Meets His Match

A doctor of psychology was doing his everyday morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his right hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.

The patient replied in an irritated voice, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor asked, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"

"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little bit crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he falls and hurts himself?"

"What? And work in the dark?"

_______________

How To Stop People From Asking For Free Advice

A doctor and an attorney were talking at a cocktail party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After about hour of this, the frustrated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the attorney, "and then I send them an invoice." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling a bit guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to put them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the attorney.

_______________

Mechanic vs. Doctor - The Jobs Do Seem Similar

Kevin, a mechanic, was installing a cylinder head from an old Harley-Davidson motorcycle, when he noticed a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his motor bike.

Kevin yelled across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?' The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Kevin. Kevin stood up, wiped his hands off on a rag and said, 'Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take out valves, fix 'em up, put in new parts and when I'm done this will work just like a new one. So why is it I work for a few bucks and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing pretty much the same work?'

The surgeon, smiled, leaned over and replied, 'Try doing it while the engine is still running.'

_______________

Have A Great Week My Friend,

Phil

Hello My Friends,

Well, it's Thursday, and that means the Weekend's almost here. Here's a few Chuckles & maybe even a Guffaw or two to get us there smilin'.

For years Dr. Benson had left his office and gone to Teddy's Bar, where Teddy would fix him a daiquiri laced with crushed almonds .

One day, however, Teddy ran out of almonds; instead he substituted hickory nuts.

Dr. Benson sat down and took a sip under Teddy's watchful eyes; he frowned. "Say, Teddy, this isn't an almond daiquiri. Just what is it?"

"I can't lie to ya," Teddy said. "It's hickory daiquiri, Doc."

_______________

An accountant dies and goes to heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."

The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.

"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young," says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "160? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."

St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"

_______________

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

_______________

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

_______________

My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said my Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."

"How come?" I asked.

"Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."

_______________

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I know where I can get the lumber."

_______________

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

"Suit yourselves", the old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators."

And The Moral Is: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!

_______________

Have A Terrific Week My Friends,

Phil

Hello Friends,

Well, the Weekend's almost gone, and tomorrow's a work day for most everyone. Hope you enjoy this potpourri of topics, and that at least one will help you start the new week with a Smile...

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

_______________

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

_______________

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "On a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of macho bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago," the man replied.

_______________

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned, and added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock.: Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden, and lo I was afraid, for I was naked."

_______________

The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country music singer.

One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately. He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door.

When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you."

So she said come right on in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.

The he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street.

She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door. When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands-which allowed the towel to fall to the floor. "Oh, My!" she exclaimed, "It's Conway Twitty!"

And the preacher said..."Hello, Darlin'".

_______________

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

_______________

A Rabbi, a Hindu Monk, and a lawyer are riding down the road when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. Spotting a farmhouse they walk over and tell the farmer they need a place to stay the night while they wait for a tow.

"I've got room in the house for two of you but someones gonna have to sleep in the barn." says the farmer.

The Rabbi say's, "I've no problem with that, I'll go." He leaves. Five minutes later theres a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the Rabbi is there. He says, "Sir there is a pig in that barn; in my religion pigs are unclean, I cannot sleep under the same roof with a pig."

The Monk speaks up and says, "I have no problem with pigs I'll go sleep in the barn." He leaves. Five minutes later theres a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the Monk is there. "Sir there is a cow in that barn; in my religion cows are sacred, I cannot sleep under the same roof with a cow.

The lawyer responds, "I'll go sleep in the barn, I've got no religion." He leaves. Five minutes later theres a knock on the door.

The farmer opens the door and the pig and the cow are standing there.

_______________

Have A Wonderful Week & Enjoy The Beauty

Phil