Hello My Friends,

Hope that some of you are still out there.

If you are, here's a few Smiles for this Labor Day Weekend...

Exam Assistance

In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The professor carefully studied the answer script and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

__________

Bears

A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he'd like to camp. To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.

The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter."

The wife shrieked, "There are TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?"

The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy -- see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree until you fall out, it's a grizzly."

The motel room was quite nice.

__________

Bald Eagle

How do you identify a bald eagle?

All his feathers are combed over to one side.

__________

Books for College

A clueless freshman was in his college campus bookstore.

Questioning the store clerk about a book for one of his classes, the clerk responded, "This book will do half the job for you."

"Good," the freshman replied. "I'll take two."

__________

Blind Date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression, and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died and I have to leave."

"Thank heaven!" his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."

__________

Breathe

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

"Really!?" he said. "Have you tried mouthwash?"

__________

Animal Characteristics

Some farmers were standing around shooting the breeze one day when the topic came around to animals and their distinguishing traits.

The group agreed that the dog was probably the most loyal animal and the mule was undoubtedly the most stubborn.

Farmer Jones piped in, "You know, I believe probably the friendliest animal in all God's creation is the goose."

The others wanted to know how he arrived at such a conclusion.

"Well," explained Farmer Jones, "I was out standing in my corn the other day, and a whole flock of 'em came by overhead. And, do you know, every single one of 'em honked and waved!"

__________

And Finally, for my Favorite Joke of the Day...

Fairy Tales

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"

He replied, "No, a whole series of fairy tales begins with 'If elected I promise...'"

__________

Have A Happy Labor Day Weekend,

Phil

Hello My Friends,

Here's a few that I like to call, "Love & Marriage"...

_______________

Damaging Food

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

_______________

Drink 'Till She's Cute

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer"? The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!

_______________

Heaven's Cars

Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.
They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know. "
Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye."
He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye."
He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"
St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!"
A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.
Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!"
Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"

_______________

Going To A Lecture

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" The cop asked. "My wife." said the man.

______________

Getting Out of A Ticket

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Have A Great Patriot's Day Weekend,

Phil

Hello My Friends,

Seems that everyone has taken a vaction, at least from this Forum Thread, however, I'll keep hoping that somebody, somewhere will get a Smile or Two.

Business Trip

On a business trip to India, a colleague of mine arrived at the airport in Delhi. He took a taxi to his hotel, where he was greeted by his hospitable Indian host.

The cab driver requested the equivalent of eight dollars U.S. for the fare, which seemed reasonable, so my friend handed him the money. But the host grabbed the bills and initiated a verbal assault upon the cabby, calling him a worthless parasite and a disgrace to their country for trying to over-charge visitors. The host threw half the amount at the driver and told him never to return. As the taxi sped off, the host gave the remaining bills to my colleague and asked him how his trip had been.

"Fine," the businessman replied, "until you chased the cab away with my luggage still in the trunk."

_______________

New Viruses on the Loose

Verizon Virus: Every three minutes you'll hear an electronic voice asking, "Can you hear me now?"

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you about the great features of the latest iPhone.

Sprint Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the Verizon and AT&T viruses.

Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:\>.

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus." Instead, it's an "electronic microorganism."

Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional virus: The computer locks up and screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Nike virus: Just does it.

Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but it doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500

_______________

Four-letter Surgery

Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm OK, but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery," he answers.

"What did he say?" asks the nurse.

"OOPS!"

_______________

Church Lesson

One Sunday morning when my son was about five years old, we were attending church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.

This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.

My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."

_______________

Bluenecks - Northern Equivalent Of Rednecks

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF...

- Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

- You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

- You think Heinz Ketchup is REALLY SPICY.

- You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road.

- You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

- You don't know what a moon pie is.

- You've never had an RC Cola.

- You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.

- You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

- You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

- You have no idea what a polecat is.

- You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.

- You don't have bangs.

- You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

- You've never eaten and don't know how to make a tomato sandwich.

- You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

- You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

- You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

- You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)

- You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Johnnie, Jimmie)

- None of your fur coats are homemade.

_______________

Sure Signs That You're In A Small Town

The city limits sign is printed on both sides of the same post.

You plug in your electric razor in a motel and the street lights dim.

The town square is actually a phone booth.

The sheriff, the deputy, and the street cop are all the same person and can be seen on Wednesdays only.

The Walmart, the local grocery, and UPS all have the same telephone number.

The local doctor, the veterinarian (same person) still makes house calls.

_______________

Have A Happy Week My Friends,

Phil

Phil, I am here and been reading some of your latest. It does feel like everyone went on extended vacations or something. Thanks for the laughs, I liked this one:

Getting Out of A Ticket

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Have a good one friend,

Sara

Hi Sara,

Sorry about having a little pity party. It's just been a really rough week. I'm so glad that you stopped by, and I'm so glad that we're Friends.

Have A Terrific Week,

Phil.