Old Jokes? or Old Jokers?
"Oh, I sure am glad to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother's side). "Now Daddy will do the trick he's been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked. "He told Mommy that he'd climb the walls if you came to visit," answered the boy.
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Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor, 'Get a red hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you've got a real heart murmur and be careful."
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Tom and Ella were lying in bed one night. Tom was falling asleep but Ella was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily Tom reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he leaned across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, Tom threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my darn teeth," he replied.
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An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old-timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old-timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive ... he's a golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" The old-timer said,
"No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old-timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
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A doctor was acquainting himself with a new elderly patient, and asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, but then, that was back when my husband was still alive."
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An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal onversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"
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"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam."
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Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Blackpool care home, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, "Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."
Sophie agrees, and later that day in the garden, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says Sophie.
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the garden, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."
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