Hi Peter,

Even though I've sold my Tax Service and I'm only going to be working part-time this Season, I still enjoy a good joke on the I.R.S., since as we all know, they don't have much of a sense of humor.

Here's a few of my favorites...

America is the land of opportunity. Everyone can become a taxpayer.

~~~~~

A fool and his money are soon parted.
The rest of us wait until income tax time.

~~~~~

The latest income-tax form has been greatly simplified. It consists of only three parts:
1. How much did you make last year?
2. How much do you have left?
3. Send amount listed in part 2.

~~~~~

~~~~~

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

~~~~~

A man walks into a store followed by his ten-year-old son. His son is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. While walking through the store someone bumps into the boy and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face. His dad starts panicking and shouts and screams for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at the snack bar in the store reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee down, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way towards the boy. When he reaches the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes, gently but firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat at the snack bar without saying a word.
As soon as the dad makes sure that his son is OK, he rushes over to the man and starts thanking him saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"
"Oh, good Heavens, no," the man replies, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."

~~~~~

What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a financial problem you didn't know you had
in a way you don't understand.

~~~~~

A lot of people still have the first dollar they ever made.
Uncle Sam has all the others.

~~~~~

~~~~~

TAX POEM

Tax his land, tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.
Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirts,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.
Tax his chew, tax his smoke,
Teach him taxes are no joke.
Tax his car, tax his ass
Tax the roads he must pass.
Tax his tobacco, tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze, tax his beers,
If he cries, tax his tears.
Tax his bills, tax his gas,
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!

Author Unknown

~~~~~

Some people think the government owes them a living.
The rest of us would gladly settle for a small tax refund.

~~~~~

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.

~~~~~

Q: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
A: Depreciation.

~~~~~

Whomever said that truth never hurts never had to fill out a Form 1040.

~~~~~

There are two types of people who complain about paying their income tax.
Men and women.

~~~~~

I hate junk mail . . .and that includes the tax forms they send me.

~~~~~

If Congress can pay farmers not to raise crops,
why can't we pay Congress not to raise taxes?

~~~~~

President Herbert Hoover was the first President to give his salary back to the government.
Now the government would like everyone to do it.

~~~~~

Q: What is the definition of Death?
A: When you stop paying taxes suddenly.

~~~~~

Q: Why is a tax loophole like a good parking spot?
A: As soon as you see one, it's gone.

~~~~~

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time - weightlifters, strongmen, etc. - but no one could do it. One day a scrawny little man came into the bar wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, what?"
The man replied, "I'm an IRS Agent."

~~~~~

Income tax is Uncle Sam's version of "Truth or Consequences."

~~~~~

Doing your own income tax return is a lot like a do-it-yourself mugging.

~~~~~

~~~~~

There was a time when $1200 would buy a car.
Now it's the sales tax.

~~~~~

Drive carefully.
Uncle Sam needs every taxpayer he can get.

~~~~~

A dollar saved is bound to be taxed.
And so is a penny earned.

~~~~~

It's hard to believe America was founded to avoid high taxation.

~~~~~

After one pays their income tax,
one knows how a cow feels after she's been milked.

~~~~~

Income tax forms should be printed on Kleenex
because so many of us have to pay through the nose.

~~~~~

Bumper Sticker:
When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case Heaven is like the IRS.

~~~~~

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.
The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

~~~~~

Q: Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?
A: Because for every $50 that you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.

~~~~~

A political promise today means another tax tomorrow.

Another Of Those Laugh To Keep From Crying Moments !

Have A Great Weekend,

Phil

Hi Peter,

Here's a couple of "Maxines" that I don't remember seeing before...

On Being "PC"

For those lovely folks, who insist on telling you, when you ask "How are you?".

Have A Terrific Weekend,

Phil

Hi Peter,

Just in from the Good Clean Funnies List...

Mental Test

Mental institution inmates are given a test to check their
state of mind.

The instructor draws a door on the wall and orders them to
go out.

They start rushing to the door, but one remains sitting. The
instructor goes to him and asks, "Why didn't you join the
others?"

He replies, "Let them fight -- they forgot I have the keys!"

__________

Planting Potatoes

A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold
the farm together until her husband can get out. She's not,
however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to
him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes.
When is the best time to do it?"

The farmer writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field.
That's where all my guns are buried."

But, because he is in jail, all of the farmer's mail is
censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this,
they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato
field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they
don't find one single weapon.

The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you
should plant the potatoes."

__________

I'll Have a Grilled Cheese Sandwich

The waitress comes over and recognizes the family seated at
the table -- Mr. and Mrs. Smith and their little son,
Jonathan. She says, "Jonathan, what would you like?"

He says, "I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."

She says, "Jonathan, I'm sorry, we don't serve grilled
cheese sandwiches."

He says, "You have a grill, don't you?"

She says, "Yes."

He says, "You have cheese, don't you?"

She says, "Yes."

He says, "You have bread, don't you?"

She says, "Yes."

He says, "Well, I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."

This kid is four years old!

The waitress says, "Jonathan, I'll go see if the chef will
fix you a grilled cheese sandwich."

She comes back in a little while and says, "Okay, Jonathan,
the chef agreed to fix you a grilled cheese sandwich. I
forgot to ask you, though, what you want to drink."

He says, "I'll have a milkshake."

She says, "Jonathan, your parents have probably already told
you we don't serve milkshakes." (She was ready for him this
time.) "Now, it is true we have milk. And it is true we have
ice cream. But we don't have the syrup."

He says, "You have a car, don't you?"

__________

Memento

Friend: "I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that
locket of yours?"

Woman: "Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair."

Friend: "But your husband is still alive."

Woman: "I know, but his hair is gone."

__________

Fixing Dinner

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the
grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy
to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in
the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the
work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me
about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town. Go inside
and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back into the house and fixed himself a big steak
with potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing
up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where's
mine?"

He said, "Huh, I thought you were out of town."