Don't tell me, Phil. Don't tell me, ok? Let me guess.

This is Tiger, right?

I confess, I edited your story a bit.

Helen

Quote:

A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.

The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last couple of years, I put a golf ball in the drawer.

The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I guess 3 times is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer.

The husband replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.

_______________

Hi Helen,

Well, you got me. Can't help myself. There's so many to choose from.

Did you hear that Phil Mickelson called Elin Nordegren? He asked her for some tips on beating Tiger.

That's just one of many, many...

• The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5."
• Ping has a new set of irons called Elins. They're clubs you can beat Tiger with.
• What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian. (Of course, Elin is actually Swedish. But poetic license is allowed in jokes.)

• Tiger and Elin have signed a new prenuptual agreement. According to the new contract, the next time Tiger plays a round, Elin will hand him his balls.

There are jokes about the affair rumors:...

• Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Cheetah?
• Tiger's other women aren't misstresses. They're provisionals.
• Did you hear Nike's new motto? Just do me.
• What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause? Santa stopped at three ho's.

• Well, Tiger Woods is very familiar with the term " a hole in one." It is time he learns what "in one hole" means!!!!

And jokes about Tiger's car crash started surfacing within minutes of the initial reports of the accident, including these:

• Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
• What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.
• Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.
• Tiger has a new movie coming out. It's called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

• Tiger Woods was injured in a car accident as he pulled out of his driveway early Friday morning. It was Woods' shortest drive since an errant tee shot at the US Open.

Even the professionals are having a field day with Tiger's troubles, too. For example:

• Stephen Colbert: "Tiger always gives 110 percent. That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 10 percent left over for his alleged mistress."
• Conan O'Brien: "One of the women who claims she slept with Tiger Woods says they never talked about golf while having sex. However, contractually Tiger was obligated to talk about Nike, Gatorade and American Express."

Have A Great Friday,

Phil

Hi Peter,

EXCELLENT! Now that's funny. Gotta love ol' Ray.

Q: What is the difference between ObamaCare and a car battery?

A: The battery has a positive side.

Exhausted and ill from the effort of enacting the Obama healthcare plan, an elderly Senator goes to the doctor. Doctor says, "I have bad news, good news, and bad news, Senator. The bad news is that you only have six months to live. But the good news is that there’s an operation that is 100% successful in curing this illness." "That sounds great, Doctor," says the Senator, "but what’s the other bad news?" The Doctor replies, "The Department of Health and Human Services says the first available slot is seven months from today."

In the washroom at the airport I saw a handwritten sign posted over one of those hot air hand dryers: "Please push button and listen for a short message from the President!"..........There's nothing like "hot air" and the smell of crap to give you that true Obama experience!!!!

Q. What did Obama do when he caught Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid in bed with Osama bin Laden in the Lincoln Bedroom?

A. Nothing.

New bumper sticker:

Obama lied, the economy died.

Q. Why did Obama cross the road?

A. Actually, Obama promised to cross the road, but then he didn't.

If Obama had half a brain, his butt would be lopsided.

President Obama is to statesmanship as an Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Q. What is Barack Obama's favorite lunch meat?

A. Mao Tse Tongue.

The aliens forgot to remove Obama's anal probe.

If Barack Obama had been the Commander in Chief of the Sioux and the Cheyenne, George Armstrong Custer would have died of old age.

Q. Why was Obama staring at the frozen orange juice can?

A. It said "concentrate".

America is the china shop; Obama is the bull.

Q. What would you get if you crossed Albert Einstein with Barack Obama?

A. E = MC Hammer

Q. Why did President Obama feel it was necessary for him to apologize to the world and to degrade the United States?

A. Jimmy Carter had laryngitis.

Barack Obama told Oprah Winfrey that he deserves to get a "good, solid B-plus" for his first year as President. He also claimed that Bo, the White House dog, ate the economy.

Obamatopia: Where Soup Plantations are being replaced by soup kitchens.

There's a few I hope you'll like.

Have A Terrific Weekend,

Phil