Hole In One
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty,chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.
One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not.
"Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied,"Who is he going to tell?"
Golf Partner
A fellow comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Tom O'Brien in the games anymore.
The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?"
"Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife.
"Well," says the husband, "neither would Tom O'Brien."
Parrot
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"****! That's a pity! I spent a fortune on that bird.
"What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!
What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"
"Your wife's, Senor...she showed up one night out of the blue and thought she was a thief. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE...................
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****!"
Dentures
A couple of elderly gents were golfing when one said he was going to
Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend said that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.
"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was playing yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole
hooked a shot," he said.
"The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the groin....
and that was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
Golf & Other Sports
Unlike baseball, players don’t readjust their testicles before each swing.
Unlike boxing, players don’t chomp on each others ears or punch them in the groin. Unlike tennis, players don’t grunt like Cro Magnon men with each effort.
Unlike basketball, players don’t elbow each other in the ribs for better position. Unlike auto racing, spectators don’t have to breathe noxious fumes or be forced to listen to "The Achy Breaky Song" on the loud speaker.
Unlike soccer, the fans don’t trample each other to death if their favorite team loses.
Unlike bowling, no one knows your shoe size.
Unlike polo, players don’t need to be smug yuppie aristocratic inbred dweebs. Unlike football, players don’t tell the ref to do a physically impossible act to himself. Unlike wrestling, spectators have all their teeth.
© Clark Peterson
Bee Sting
Mac and Jimmy were playing their home course.
Mac putted out and walked back to the cart. As Jimmy sank his putt, Mac
suddenly jumped out of the cart and dropped his pants.
He had just sat on a bee and got a nasty sting and desperately asked his partner
to get the stinger out.
The scene of a man kneeling next to to his playing partner's bare rear end,
was too much for the group playing behind the twosome.
The group raced up to the two golfers and asked a single question:
"What was the bet?"
ZEKE GOES HUNTING
Zeke went bear hunting. As he was driving to the hunting lodge, he saw a sign which said "Bear Left," so Zeke went home.