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RE: Your Friday Chuckle (On Saturday - Again :) ) 5/8/09
1/2/2010 10:28:29 PM
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Hi Peter, Here's a few more that I just received in my afternoon mail... New Federal Employee
As a new federal employee, I felt a combination of
excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict standards of
discretion and respect that our government imposes on its
workers. Fearful of making a costly mistake, I decided to
read up on procedures and standards on the federal Office of
Personnel Management web page. I'm not sure if I was
relieved or worried when I clicked on one page and found:
"Ethics: Coming Soon!"
_______________ Best Puns of the Year
A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up
winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in
Mississippi. Before I knew it, right after that I won a
$250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land. Last
week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and
move down there for good. And just last night, as sat on my
new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it
all started to sink in.
My son, Ken, was married yesterday. I heard him tell his
bride, Caryn, that his ring was so tight it was cutting off
his circulation. She replied, "That's what it is supposed to
do."
Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that
developed a new drug which, when administered to women,
compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to
license it. Seems it was habit forming.
A naive young lass was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It
was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on "Science &
Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and
someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a
minute or two and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a
kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant,
a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans..." "What makes you
think you need all these?" " Well," replied the patient, "My
boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get
reorganised."
The policeman couldn't believe his eyes when he saw a woman
drive past him on the freeway, busily knitting. Quickly he
pulled alongside the vehicle, rolled down his window and
shouted, "Pull over!" "No," the women yelled back
cheerfully, "Socks!"
I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other
day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus!
Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was
going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the
shots around here.
The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and
came into our insurance office to file a disability claim.
As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under
"Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."
I saw some strange goings on in the city today. A group of
sterile monks in white robes were circling a large urn
containing flowers, chanting, raising their hands, bowing to
the urn, and performing some kind of ritual on one young
member of the group. It appeared to be a vase sect to me.
Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at
their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an
argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the
14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well,
you just go ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be
a virgin than it is to be an Angel!"
This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend,
"You know, Benny's a walking economy." His friend replies,
"How so?" "His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a
victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting
him into a deep depression."
I noticed the neighbor down the street was home every day,
so after a few weeks I asked him what was going on. He
replied, "I left my job because of illness and fatigue." A
few weeks later, his wife gave me the real truth of what
happened. Turns out my neighbor's boss got sick and tired of
him. _______________
In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the
drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered
some coffee.
Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of
ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly
and I could drink it faster.
I sat there at the pick-up window for a few minutes,
wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a
frustrated teenager finally came up and said, "I'm sorry for
the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps
melting!"
_______________
Finally, my wishes for you in the coming year..
May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs, and
your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your
triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count, and
your mortgage interest not rise.
May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your
cardiologist, your gastroenterologist, your urologist, your
proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your
plumber, and the IRS.
May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere
during rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get
there, may you find a parking space.
May New Year's Eve find you seated around the dinner table,
together with your beloved family and cherished friends,
ushering in the New Year ahead. You will find the food
better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and
the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you
might ordinarily do that night.
May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others
see in you delight them.
May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until
you finish dinner, may your checkbook and your budget
balance, and may they include generous amounts for your
church and charities.
May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to
your spouse, your child, and your parent(s). You can say it
to your secretary, your nurse, your butcher, your
photographer, your masseuse, your seamstress, your
hairdresser, or your tennis instructor, but not with a
"twinkle" in your eye.
May we live as intended, in a world at peace with the
awareness of the beauty in every sunset, every flower's
unfolding petals, every baby's smile and every wonderful,
astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.
Bless you with every happiness, great health, peace, and
much love during the next year and all those that follow.
Have A Happy & Prosperous New Year, Phil
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