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RE: Your Friday Chuckle - Every Day Of The Week
3/18/2012 2:03:50 PM

Happy Sunday friends and may each of you have a wonderful week ahead.:)

Elder Banking....
___________________________________

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir:


I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.


By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..


I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.


You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.


My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.


From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.


My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.


Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.


Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.


I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.


Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.


In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.


I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.


As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.


Let me level the playing field even further.


When you call me, press buttons as follows:


IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH


#1. To make an appointment to see me


#2. To query a missing payment.


#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.


#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.


#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.


#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.


#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.


Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.


#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.


#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.


The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.


#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.


While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.


Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.


May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?


Your Humble Client


And remember: Don't make old People mad.


We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.


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RE: Your Friday Chuckle - Every Day Of The Week
3/18/2012 2:16:50 PM

I hope this works as well here as it did in the email it came to me in.

Can you solve this Riddle?

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off',
(The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on
your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front
of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you
cannot overtake it Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and
zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to
safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round. *


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Phillip Black

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RE: Your Friday Chuckle - Every Day Of The Week
3/19/2012 7:28:38 PM

Hello Peter & Friends,

I received the folowing from a Friend in this morning's email and thought that you all might enjoy it.

DIVORCE AGREEMENT: THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

--Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

--We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.

--You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

--We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.

--You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

--We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.

--You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.
--We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.

--We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood

--You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

--You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

--We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

--You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.

--We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.

--You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.

--We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

--We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."

--I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World".

--We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

--Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin & Charlie Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & ( Hanoi ) Jane Fonda with you.

P.S.S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

Forward This Every Time You Get It! Let's Keep This Going, Maybe Some Of It Will Start Sinking In.
PLEASE DO YOUR PART!!
Have A Wonderful Week My Friends,
Phil
“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10
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Peter Fogel

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RE: Your Friday Chuckle - Every Day Of The Week
3/20/2012 7:49:28 AM
Hi Phil,

Oh yeah, this "divorce" agreement is good and we do know who'll be looking for a handout or as it's more well known today "Bailout" in not 15 years but next year and all the years after that.

Shalom,

Peter

Quote:

Hello Peter & Friends,

I received the folowing from a Friend in this morning's email and thought that you all might enjoy it.

DIVORCE AGREEMENT: THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

--Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

--We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.

--You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

--We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.

--You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

--We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.

--You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.
--We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.

--We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood

--You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

--You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

--We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

--You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.

--We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.

--You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.

--We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

--We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."

--I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World".

--We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

--Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin & Charlie Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & ( Hanoi ) Jane Fonda with you.

P.S.S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

Forward This Every Time You Get It! Let's Keep This Going, Maybe Some Of It Will Start Sinking In.
PLEASE DO YOUR PART!!
Have A Wonderful Week My Friends,
Phil
Peter Fogel
Babylon 7
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Peter Fogel

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RE: Your Friday Chuckle - Every Day Of The Week
3/20/2012 7:51:24 AM
Hi All,

The first edition of NewsBusted is out. Jodi is full of useful information in this episode, you'll find out who the adults living with their parents really are, what does B Hussein do about rising gas prices, a nuclear Iran and much more.

Shalom,

Peter


TOPICS:

--St. Patrick's Day

--President Obama

--Gas Prices

--Nuclear Iran

--National Debt

--NCAA Tournament

--David Cameron

--Blagojevich to Prison

--Adults Living with Parents

--Oprah and Rosie O'Donnell

Starring: Jodi Miller
Production: Dialog New Media


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=hXGtc30H7wg


Peter Fogel
Babylon 7
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