Hi Peter & Everyone,
Here's a few that I hope you'll enjoy...
Colorado
Ninety-eight percent of Americans scream before going into a
ditch on a slippery road. The other two percent are from
Colorado, and they say, "Hold my soda and watch this."
You're from Colorado if:
You'll eat ice cream in the winter.
When the weather report says it's going to be 65 degrees,
you shave your legs and wear a skirt.
It snows five inches and you don't expect school to be
canceled.
You'll wear flip flops every day of the year, regardless of
temperature.
You have no accent at all, but can hear other people's. And
then you make fun of them.
"Humid" is over 25%.
Your sense of direction is: Toward the mountains and away
from the mountains.
You say, "The Interstate," and everybody knows which one.
You think that May is a totally normal month for a blizzard
or ice storm.
You buy your flowers to set out on Mother's Day, but try and
hold off planting them until just before Father's Day.
You grew up planning your Halloween costumes around your
coat.
You know what the Continental Divide is.
You went to Casa Bonita as a kid, and again as an adult.
You've gone off-roading in a vehicle that was never intended
for such activities.
You always know the elevation of where you are.
You wake up to a beautiful 80-degree day and wonder if it's
going to snow tomorrow.
You don't care that some company renamed it; the Broncos
still play at Mile High.
Everybody wears jeans to church.
You actually know that South Park is a real place, not just
a show on TV.
You know what a "trust fund hippy" is, and you know its
natural habitat is Boulder.
You know you're talking to a fellow Coloradoan when they
call it Elitches, not Six Flags.
A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you.
Your two favorite teams are the Broncos and whoever is
beating the Raiders.
When people out East tell you they have mountains in their
state too, you just laugh.
You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels
"sticky," and you notice the sky is no longer blue.
__________
Work Wisdom
- Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important
you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or
absence is noticed.
- The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to
increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect
on your take-home pay.
__________
You've Got Mail
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody
public. So, when one irate customer stormed my desk, I
responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"
"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home,
I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a
package, but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband
was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for
ages!"
"What is it?" I asked.
"My husband's new hearing aid."
__________
When I'm An Old Man
When I'm an old man, I'll live with my son,
and make his life happy and filled with such fun,
I want to pay back all the joy he's provided,
returning each deed. Oh, he'll be so excited
. . . when I'm an old man and live with my son.
I'll write on the wall with red, white, and blue;
and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, will he shout!
. . . when I'm an old man and live with my son.
When he's on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, he'll snap his fingers and then shake his head,
and when he is done I'll hide under the bed.
. . . when I'm an old man and live with my son.
When my son's wife cooks dinner and calls me to meals,
I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
and when she gets angry, run fast as I'm able.
. . . when I'm an old man and live with my son.
I'll sit close to the TV, thru the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick,
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
and play in the mud until the end of the day.
. . . when I'm an old man and live with my son.
And later, in bed, I'll lie back and sigh,
and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes;
and my son will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
and say with a groan, "He's so sweet when he's sleeping,"
. . . when I'm an old man and live with my son.
__________
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we
were first married, you took the small piece of steak and
gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me
the smaller. You don't love me any more?"
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook
better now."
__________
Have A Terrific Week,
Phil