For those who slept through World History 101......
here is a condensed version.
Humans originally existed as members of small
bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on
deer in the mountains during the summer and would
go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer,
and the beer to the man. These facts formed the
foundation of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that
was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle
nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early
humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented,
they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages
were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to
BB-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the
beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting
learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the
nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair
dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.
The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy
liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution
of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic
voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by
the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals
like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most
of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their
men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys,
journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are
liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because
it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and
still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game
hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers,
firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives,
athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives
who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals
believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.
That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when
conservatives were coming to America They crept in after
the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to
get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.......
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary
urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced
of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded
immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...
just to p*** them off.