THE FATTEST DIET HUMOR COLLECTION IN THE WORLD!!!

By Daniel Worona

ONE SHOULD EAT TO LIVE NOT LIVE TO EAT.

"Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever"

"Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies..."

 SKINNY PEOPLE TICK ME OFF!!! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my car keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

Q: What do you call an overweight monster?
A: OBEAST. 

Q: Why did the MIDNIGHT SNACKER gain so much weight?
A: Because he couldn’t see how much he was eating.

Q: HOW DO YOU KNOW CARROTS ARE GOOD FOR YOUR EYES?
A: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A RABBIT WEARING GLASSES?

 Sign on the Olympic stadium in China:
STADIUM HOLDS 120,000 CHINESE, OR 80,000 AMERICANS. 

 NEVER EAT MORE THAN YOU CAN LIFT.

 Try my wife's new recipe for diet meatloaf... Don't worry, you won't eat much..

 If you are thin, don't eat fast. If you are fat, don't eat-- FAST!!!

 GOD MUST LOVE CALORIES BECAUSE HE MADE SO MANY OF THEM!

 DIETING IS THE PENALTY FOR EXCEEDING THE FEED LIMIT.

 CHOCOLATE. COFFEE. MEN.
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

 IF YOU HAVE NO TASTE, A LOT OF FOOD GOES TO WASTE; BUT IF YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TASTE, A LOT OF IT WILL GO TO WAIST.

 YOU CAN'T LOSE WEIGHT BY TALKING ABOUT IT. YOU HAVE TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

 HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE GARLIC DIET?
YOU DON'T LOSE MUCH WEIGHT, BUT FROM A DISTANCE YOUR FRIENDS THINK YOU LOOK THINNER.

AND DON'T FORGET: DIETING IS NO PIECE OF CAKE!!!  

from:http://danworona.50megs.com/

Hello my dear and so much missed MESHUGANEH Friends :-)

... now, my only trouble is I don't know which way to catch the ripe?! LOL - as I have a few ideas to share after reading your posts! Only by reading them I could realize how much (and long) a day really means! ...

... first of all, I see you wandered on the field of ALIENS! ... no wander as soon as I don't remember not even one FAT ALIEN! ... and as so I don't think they have to keep any diet!? - BY THE WAY - WHAT HAPPENS IF I DRANK IN A "PROHIBITED" TIME FRAME?! (I simply forgot its TUESDAY?! - I guess this is JUST NORMAL for a MESHUGANEH - and I drank a few "swallows" at 12:15 AM while until 1 PM I should have "behave myself"?!)

PETER :-)

Did you noticed, your ALIEN has 2 of every organ of sense but NOSE?! I guess, this is so because being 2 of everything, sticks twice as much?! ...




Dear LUKA with your DEER MOM BRANKA :-)

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well - Joe Ancis

- Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
- 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
- Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
- 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
- 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
- 91% lie regularly, so you can just throw away statistics like these based on their answers *grin*
- 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
- 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
- 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
- 90% believe in divine retribution (but apparently not for lying)
- 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
- 82% believe in an afterlife.
- 45% believe in ghosts.
- 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
- 29% are virgins when they marry.
- 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
- 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
- Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.
- 35% give to charity at least once a month.
- How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.
- 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
- When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
- Snickers is the most popular candy.
- 22% of us skip lunch daily.
- 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
- 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
- Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
- 45% use mouthwash every day.
- 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
- The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
- Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
- 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
- 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
- 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
- 33% of women lie about their weight.
- 10% claim to have seen a ghost.
- 57% have had deja vu.
- 49% believe in ESP.
- 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
- 44% have broken a bone.
- 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
- 15% regularly go to a shrink.
- 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
- 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. What's up?
- 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
- 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
- 28.1% pee in the pool. Think about that next time you go swimming!
- 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host... whoops, "uh.. just looking for the uh..."
- 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip it (his pants).
- 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
- 22% are functionally illiterate. [Reminds me of the lady who said, "My son ain't illiterate. We was married two weeks before he was born!"]
- Less than 10% are trilingual.
- 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
- 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
- 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
- 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks. Now, make it TWO million and half the night... : )
- 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
- 40% of us have had music lessons.
- 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
- 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
- 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary, mostly men, (and they say statistics don't lie. See 91% Americans lie regularly for details. Yeah, we know the rest of you men just
have wives who TELL you the anniversary is coming up!)
- 59% of us say we're average-looking.
- Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
- 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
- 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
- 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
- 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
- On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
- 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
- 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
- The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
- Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
- 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
- 6% propose over the phone, [but that includes only of those who were accepted over the phone, not those who were hung up on]
- 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
- 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit. [Must be the over 55 crowd : ) ]
- 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
- 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
- 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
- 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
- 25% drive after they've been drinking.
- 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
- 1 in 3 have had an extramarital affair.
- 62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs

NOW, you decide, deppending on ENSTEIN'S THEORY of REALTIVITY who is and who isn't NORMAL!?

... hm, what could have been the other thoughts I had in my mind?! ... I guess they are lost with my mind! ... but who cares anyway?! I'm just sorry for my thoughts?! lately they are so hard to find?!



LIA :-)

Your collection is quite encouraging! to say the least! LOL

I would post here a few more questions, never the less they will remain yet UN-ANSWERED!? ... but I'll use for that another posts as this one would be too long and some would be tired to read that much! :-)

HUGS,
Anamaria

HUGS to my Meshuganehs for this 2nd Tuesday in November!

One of most important conditions to keep your mouth away of food, is STRESS ELIMINATING !

So, I decided to never respond to any of past posts, just because this is not a discussion forum, but forum for joy and distribution of good vibes world wide - costless, or as Serbs say : ЏАБА - DŽABA, ZABADAVA, MUKTE .

It is impossible to take pace with all your thoughts and all sorts of MESHUGANEHISM. Genetics works as it should have to work, and my nephew has sorted main directions of Meshuganeh destruction against harmful sanity , in several departments. So, all further posters will be able to easy find to which they affinities will direct them. 

What can I do?

When snitch a little time, I cann`t nothing than come and enjoy .... and silently HUG, SHAKE AND LOVE ALL OF YOU!

I didn`t welcome Mary, so I`ll do it now!

Mary, I just hope you already have first results and this diet will work for you!

Thanks for visiting this crazy forum and for spreading fun around!

Joe .... where are you?

I like your recipe for GULAŠ very much and cann`t wait to see you at my kitchen. That would be cooking!

Lia, Ani, Geketa, I could figure out that you have successfully graduating in Meshuganism.

AND YOU - ALL GOOD FOX FROM ISRAEL !!!!! Are you a unique fox in your country? And whole region? I THINK YOU ARE !!!

Vladimir, Luka & Sis - next weekend I will cook.

This is a formal invitation :) .

Love you all,

Lilly