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Dave Cottrell

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RE: I Had Amnesia Once... The Friday File
5/4/2013 11:45:52 PM
Quote:
Just to REALLY confound those for whom Engrish is a second language (ESOL's).

malapropisms - where the speaker uses a word that *sounds* similar to the word they want, but means something completely different.

For Example:

  • "Your ambition - is that right - is to abseil across the English channel?"
    Cilla Black
  • "It is beyond my apprehension."
    Danny Ozark, baseball team manager
  • "Listen to the blabbing brook."
    Norm Crosby
  • "This is unparalyzed in the state's history."
    Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House
  • "She's really tough; she's remorseful."
    David Moorcroft
  • "And then he [Mike Tyson] will have only channel vision."
    Frank Bruno, boxer
  • "Cardial - as in cardial arrest."
    Eve Pollard
  • "Marie Scott... has really plummeted to the top."
    Alan Weeks
  • "He's going up and down like a metronome."
    Ron Pickering
  • "He's on 90... 10 away from that mythical figure."
    Trevor Bailey, cricket commentator
  • "Unless somebody can pull a miracle out of the fire, Somerset are cruising into the semi-final."
    Fred Trueman
  • "We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile."
    George W. Bush
  • "The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder."
    Richard Daley, former Chicago mayor
  • "He was a man of great statue."
    Thomas Menino, Boston mayor
  • "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
    Dan Quayle, Vice President
  • "Well, that was a cliff-dweller."
    Wes Westrum, about a close baseball game
  • "If Gower had stopped that [cricket ball] he would have decapitated his hand."
    Farokh Engineer
  • "We seem to have unleased a hornet's nest."
    Valerie Singleton
  • "This series has been swings and pendulums all the way through."
    Trevor Bailey, cricket commentator
  • "Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
    Mike Smith, ordering a salad at a restaurant
  • "It's got lots of installation."
    Mike Smith, describing his new coat


I'll close with my favorite Steven Wright quote:

"Some people say I'm off in my own little world...but that's ok...they know me there."



Hahaha! These are great, David!
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Dave Cottrell

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RE: I Had Amnesia Once... The Friday File
5/4/2013 11:48:26 PM
Quote:
Yes Nerma and Dave, this really could be great.
One promise please hahahaha.
Promise that you'd not delete me from your friends list.

Oh, you will be a the top of my friends list for a very long time! :D
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Dave Cottrell

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RE: I Had Amnesia Once... The Friday File
5/11/2013 12:04:38 AM
Oh no! It's Friday again. and that can only mean one thing... the Friday File! But that's only if it's Friday... where you live, it might already by Saturday!!! Tell me, then... what is tomorrow like? I need to decide if I should get up or not...

Today, I seem to have had a file of jokes from around the world dropped on my desk:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Texan: “Where are y'all from?”

Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with

prepositions.”

Texan: “Okay – where are y'all from, jackass?”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A patient says: “Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner

with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: “Could you please pass the butter.”

But instead I said: “You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life”.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the

Major: “Major Barry, what the devil's wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They

seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”

“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a

weasel chomping on his privates.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and finally....

get ready for it....

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick!


Have a terrific weekend everybody and remember to take our two short surveys and the slogan poll!

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Dave

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Branka Babic

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RE: I Had Amnesia Once... The Friday File
5/11/2013 12:08:13 PM
Quote:
Quote:
Yes Nerma and Dave, this really could be great.
One promise please hahahaha.
Promise that you'd not delete me from your friends list.

Oh, you will be a the top of my friends list for a very long time! :D

This is encouraging enough, thanks :), and also is much appreciated.
+1
Branka Babic

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RE: I Had Amnesia Once... The Friday File
5/11/2013 12:34:15 PM
o m g

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

--------

All are great Dave, thanks.

I have (really) similar experience to this one with Freudian slip ... hahaha, I am still blushing when this pops on my mind. It was in 1983 and I worked as an agent with some MD experts ... and was very compassionate to one very ill and strikingly fat lady, and did a big efforts to help her to get some papers (approvals) in shortest possible time. Her sure name was Kramarić and her name was Slavica ... Running a few circles around all doctors (and it was heat), I got dizzy, and when finally have done all, last was to address approval to this lady. Oh my!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I misspelled her name, and the way I wrote it was a sad description of her state.

Instead Kramarić I wrote Kravarić (krava = cow, and poor woman really was a cow-like) and in her first name instead Slavica (Gloria), I wrote Slamica (diminutive of straw, cow food).

See how 2 "m" and 2 "v", accidentally put in wrong place, can destroy one greatly generous job, best intended, of course.

+1


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