On a dark and stormy night, an American, a Canadian and a Jewish gentleman were in a horrible car accident. All three were rushed to the hospital, though all three had died before they arrived.
Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he awoke and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses asked him what had happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a bright white light, and then all three of us were standing at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $150 we could return to the earth."
He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $150, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Well, last I saw them," replied the American, "the Jewish fellow was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."
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One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole - killing them both instantly.
The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he'll get back with them on that request.
A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can - in fact - get arried in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks "Just wondering, if things don't work out will we be able to get a divorce?"
With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out "Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here... you really think I'm gonna find a lawyer?"
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After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.
After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window... nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit... still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.
Finally the dunk yells out... "Ain't no use knocking, there ain't no paper over here either!"
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A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker.
I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,
'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a few minutes ago", the man replied.
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At a famous inner city park you'll find two beautiful statues, one of a nude man and the other of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years when, one day, an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two of them to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel again tells them, "You two still have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"
He asks her "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But this time change positions. I'll hold the pigeon down and you can poop on its head!"