Hello Friends,

Been awhile. Thought that we might share a few Smiles.

Attractive

While reading the newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who
was not noted for his IQ.

"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."

_______________

Cooking a Roast

One day a little girl was watching her mom make a roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned
it, and set it in the roasting pan.

The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was the
way that her mother had done it.

That night Grandma came to dinner and the little girl and her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of
the roast before cooking. After some thought, Grandma replied that it was the way her mother had done it.

Now the great-grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home. But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to
see her and again asked the question.

Great-Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said, "So it would fit in the pan, of course."

_______________

Emergency Kit

Josh was helping Sally, a blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair
Kit." Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.

Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.

She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."

Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"

Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."

_______________

A Child's Logic

Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter, "Are you eating your little sister's grapes?"
I demanded.

"No," she innocently replied, "I'm helping her share."

_______________

And finally, my Favorite for this Week...

A Parent's Logic

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter
what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning
was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these
attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person, called a Parent, came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a
hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?"

_______________

Keep Smiling!!

Have A Blessed & Happy Weekend,

Phil

Sorry that I haven't been around lately, I appreciate the Cute Jokes. Anyway, I figured that I'd better stop by with a few more Smiles...

An elderly gentleman was having some physical problems, so he went to see his doctor. The doctor told the old gent that he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast.

At the end of a week, the man returned for a follow-up visit to his doctor's office. The concerned doctor asked the old gent if he was feeling better.

The man answered that he actually felt worse.

Then the doctor asked, "Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?"

"No," replied the man, "I really tried, but all I could do was about fifteen minutes."

_______________

One evening, two old men from a retirement home were sitting on the front porch of the retirement home. One man said to the other old man, "You know, Albert, if you think about it, we are not that old. I mean, my memory is still very good."

As the man said this, he knocked on the wooden chair beside him. "Actually, as sharp as ever."

After a couple minutes of silence, the first man started to talk again, "So, is anyone going to get the door, or do I have to do it?"

_______________

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things." replied the artist.

"I know," the woman said. "It's just in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for all of that jewelry."

_______________

An old Jewish man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour.

One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The old man replies (with Yiddish accent) "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."

So the next day, the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.

So the next day, the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.

So, the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay. "Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread," comes the reply once again.

The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup.

The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.

The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way, "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"

The old man replies, "It wass goot as usual, but I see that you're back to giving only two slices of bread!"

_______________

Next, a few one-liners...

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

There are three signs of old age: The first is your loss of memory. The other two . . . I forget.

At 65, you begin to regret the sins that you did NOT commit.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Middle Age Texting Codes

ATD = at the doctor

BFF = best friend fell

BTW = bring the wheelchair

BYOT = bring your own teeth

FWIW = forgot where I was

GGPBL = gotta go, pacemaker battery low

GHA = got heartburn again

IMHO = is my hearing aid on?

LMDO = laughing my dentures out

OMMR = on my massage recliner

ROFLACGU = rolling on floor laughing and can't get up

_______________

Also, speaking of Technology, everyone seems to have an iPhone. Well, that's just how my problems started...

It Started With An iPhone

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

Then September came by, so for my wife's birthday I bought her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This unfortunately activated the iNag app.

Which led me to the iHospital and iGet out Thursday.

_______________

Of course, sometimes Modern Technology can be downright embarrassing...

GPS

I have to wonder, "Do I really look that shady?"

I just gotten a GPS for my car, and my first trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said not to leave it in the car unattended, I brought it with me into the store. While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice stated, "Lost satellite contact."

I wasn't embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said, "Your ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you."

_______________

Of course, sometimes the modern ways and Computers are really not the answer.

It's Fixed

A good Friend was having problems with his late Model Car, and since it was still under warranty, he took it to the local Dealer to be checked out. He explained that each time he turned a corner, he was noticing a faint knocking sound in the rear of the car.

After driving the car for a brief time, the Mechanic returned it to the shop, where he applied the latest Diagnostic Computer to the vehicle to discover what the problem was. Unfortunately, since the Computer showed no major problems, he returned the vehicle to my Friend and had to admit that he was stumped.

My dad, also an auto mechanic, noticed that my Friend and I were checking out the car that evening and asked what was wrong. Figuring that he had nothing to lose, my Friend asked my Dad if he would check the car for a clunking sound when going around corners.

Taking the car out for a test drive, Dad made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.

Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the car to my Friend with this note: "Removed the bowling ball from your trunk."

_______________

Have A Happy Week,

Phil