Hi Evelyn & Roger,

It's always good to see you both stopping by to visit and I appreciate you for bringing some funnies with you.

Although my Bum Shoulder doesn't allow me to play any longer, Golf is still good for a laugh now and then...

Nasty Left Hook

John's not a great golfer - in fact, he stinks. But he's always working on his game, trying to improve. One afternoon, after a typically crappy round of golf, John is interrupted by a police officer as he's throwing his clubs in the car. "Did you tee off on the 17th hole about 20 minutes ago?"

"Why, yes I did officer." John replied.

"Did you by any chance hook your ball over the trees to the left, out of bounds?" asked the officer.

"Yep, I believe I did." John answered. "How'd you know?"

"Well," said the officer in a very serious tone, "Your golf ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a car's windshield. The driver lost control, causing a 5 car pile-up and a small explosion. Three people went to the hospital with injuries. I'd like to know what you're going to do about it?"

John sat there, seemingly saddened by the devastation caused by his errant tee shot. After much though, the he responded..."I think I'll aim more to the right, close up my stance, tighten my grip and roll my right thumb over a bit."

_______________

Weak-Eyed Golfer

Bob wearily trudged into his house and laid down his bag of golf clubs.

"How was your game, darling?" asked his wife, Jane.

"I was hitting the ball ok, but my eyesight's gotten so darn bad that I couldn't see where the ball went." shrugged Bob.

"Well, you're 75 years old," said Jane. "You can't expect everything to be like it was. Why don't you take my brother Jimmy along?"

"But he's 85 and he doesn't even play golf any more..." protested Bob.

"But he's got perfect eyesight," Jane pointed out. "he can watch the ball for you."

So the next day Bob teed off with Jimmy looking on. He swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it, do you see it?" asked Bob in anticipation.

"Yep!" Jimmy answered.

"Well where is it?" exclaimed Bob, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot," said Jimmy.

_______________

Don't Step On The Ducks

Three golfing buddies died in an auto accident and went to heaven. Upon arrival, they noticed the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter told them they were welcome to play the course, but he cautioned them with one rule: “Don’t step on the ducks.”

The men had blank expressions on their faces, and finally one of them said, “The ducks?” “Yes,” St. Peter Said. “There are millions of ducks walking around the golf course, and when one of them is stepped on, he squawks, and then the one next to him squawks, and soon they’re all raising havoc and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you’ll be punished.”

The men start playing the course, and within 15 minutes, one of the guys stepped on a duck. The duck squawked, and soon there was a deafening roar of ducks quacking. St. Peter appeared with an extremely homely woman and asked, “Who stepped on a duck?” “I did,” admitted one of the men. St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man to the homely woman. “I told you not to step on the ducks,” he said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The two other men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes, St. Peter walked up with a woman who was even uglier than the other one. He determined who stepped on the duck by seeing the fear in the man’s face, and he cuffed him to the woman. “I told you not to step on the ducks,” St. Peter said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of nudging a duck. After three months of this, he still hadn’t stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man and had with him the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled and without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said, “What have I done to deserve this?”

The woman replied: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

_______________

Have A Great Week My Friends,

Phil

Hello My Friends,

Here's a couple that I like, "from the Mouths of Babes", and one special one, from a Very Smart little Boy.

Discouraged

As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was.

"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.

"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."

"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."

_______________

Barney & The Little Girl

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart, Barney's on my underpants..

_______________

Finally, here's my Favorite. It's not really funny, but it's Truly Amazing, and so true. You see, it was actually written by an 8-year-old named Danny, from Chula Vista, CA . He wrote it for his third grade homework assignment, to 'explain God.'

THE EXPLANATION OF GOD:

"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

"God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.

"God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.

"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.

"Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him, but he was good and kind, like His father, and He told His father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K.

"His dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth, so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So He did. Now He helps His dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.

"You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.

"You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God!

"Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.

"If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared, in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.'

"But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases. And...that's why I believe in God.

_______________

Have A Bright & Blessed Evening Dear Friends,

Phil

Hello Phil,

What a wonderful way to explain God, simple terms and so very true. You can truly say that young man is being raised the right way. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Quote:

Hello My Friends,

Here's a couple that I like, "from the Mouths of Babes", and one special one, from a Very Smart little Boy.

Discouraged

As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was.

"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.

"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."

"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."

_______________

Barney & The Little Girl

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart, Barney's on my underpants..

_______________

Finally, here's my Favorite. It's not really funny, but it's Truly Amazing, and so true. You see, it was actually written by an 8-year-old named Danny, from Chula Vista, CA . He wrote it for his third grade homework assignment, to 'explain God.'

THE EXPLANATION OF GOD:

"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

"God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.

"God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.

"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.

"Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him, but he was good and kind, like His father, and He told His father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K.

"His dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth, so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So He did. Now He helps His dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.

"You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.

"You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God!

"Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.

"If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared, in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.'

"But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases. And...that's why I believe in God.

_______________

Have A Bright & Blessed Evening Dear Friends,

Phil

This is also out of babes mouth....lol....

A Kids View on Marriage

What Exactly Is Marriage?

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry? "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years old

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years old

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, eight years old

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, nine years old

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years old

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old

>>> GEMS FROM THE SUNDAY SCHOOL CROWD
>>>
>>> LOT'S WIFE
>>>
>>> The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and
>>> turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy
>>> looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "And
>>> she turned into a telephone pole!"
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>>
>>> GOOD SAMARITAN
>>>
>>> A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
>>> Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the
>>> roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
>>>
>>> A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw
>>> up."
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>>
>>> DID NOAH FISH?
>>>
>>> A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
>>> fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
>>>
>>> "No," replied Johnny, "How could he, with just two worms."
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>>
>>> HIGHER POWER
>>>
>>> A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how
>>> powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher
>>> Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
>>>
>>> One child blurted out, "Aces!"
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>>
>>> MOSES AND THE RED SEA
>>>
>>> Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday
>>> School.
>>>
>>> "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on
>>> a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the
>>> Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked
>>> across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They
>>> sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
>>>
>>> "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother
>>> asked.
>>>
>>> "Well, no, Mom, But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
>>> believe it!"
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>>
>>> THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
>>>
>>> A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of
>>> the most quoted passages in the Bible -- Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a
>>> month to learn the chapter.
>>>
>>> Little Rick was excited about the task -- but he just couldn't remember
>>> the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
>>>
>>> On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of
>>> the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up
>>> to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's
>>> all I need to know."
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>>
>>> UNANSWERED PRAYER
>>>
>>> The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused
>>> and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she
>>> asked him why.
>>>
>>> "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his
>>> messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
>>>
>>>
>>> "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>>
>>> BEING THANKFUL
>>>
>>> A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your
>>> prayers for you each night? That's very commendable -- What does she
>>> say?"
>>>
>>> The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>>
>>> UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
>>>
>>> During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from
>>> one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into
>>> silence and, after church, asked, "Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?"
>>>
>>> Tommy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He
>>> did!"
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>>
>>> TIME TO PRAY
>>>
>>> A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
>>>
>>> "Yes, sir." the boy replied.
>>>
>>> "And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
>>>
>>> "No sir," the boy replied -- "I ain't scared in the daytime."
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>>
>>> ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
>>>
>>>
>>> When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every
>>> family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For
>>> several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would
>>> say, "And all girls."
>>>
>>> This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.
>>> My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you
>>> always add the part about all girls?"
>>>
>>> Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying
>>> 'All Men'!"
>>> _______________________________
>>>
>>> SAY A PRAYER
>>>
>>> Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
>>> Grandmother'shouse. Everyone was seated around the table as the
>>> food was being served.
>>> When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
>>>
>>> "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
>>>
>>> "I don't need to," the boy replied.
>>>
>>> "Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before
>>> eating at our house."
>>>
>>> "That's at our house," Johnny explained, "But this is Grandma's house
>>> and she knows how to cook!