Hello Phil and Gabby!

Gabby, that was hilarious. Thank you for the laughs!

Phil, I hope all has been well with you my friend!

Take care you two! :-)
John

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them,

and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?


Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

:)

With all that is going on today...it's nice just to LAUGH!!


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her
on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping
boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife
is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife
received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite
a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
forced to ban both of you from the store.. Our complaints against your
husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go
off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This
caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a
reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union
grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put
a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department
and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty
children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him
he began crying and screamed, ' Why can't you people just leave me
alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera
and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed:
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey!
There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends,
your property taxes will go up, your stocks will go down, and
your middle will spread. (How's that for a curse?!?)
What?? It's already come true? Then send it anyway--

You've got nothin' to lose!
LIVE Well LAUGH Often LOVE Much
Have a Blessed Day!!

"Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects." ~Arnold Glasow

Hello John & Ladies,

It Great to see you all here at the Forum. John, how have you been my Friend. Hope you'll stop back by often and bring a Joke or two. Somedays, laughter really helps us get through the days.

Here's a few more that I ran across...

What It Means

Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a Doctor and he wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.

"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"

"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

_______________

Traffic Jam

A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not even moving."

Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer ... what's the holdup?"

"It's that guy that just left MSNBC, Obberman or Olbermann, or something like that" says the cop. "He's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire, because he is so tired of defending the Liberal cause and tilting at Windmills. I'm walking around collecting Signatures of support for him."

The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"

"So far ... ten gallons."

_______________

The Water Hazard

A buddy and I were golfing one afternoon and getting somewhat bored with the round, so when we came upon the water hazard with two ducks sitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks he couldn't hit a duck and five dollars he couldn't even get one to move. Being a guy, he took the bet.

He launched four tee shots toward the ducks and even threw two by hand, but the ducks still wouldn't budge. Only after he lost six golf balls did he realize the ducks were decoys.

_______________

And, from the "What'd he say?" department...

What Grandkids?

I know my company has made a big effort to be family friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday announcement posted on the bulletin board:

"All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa. Employees who have no children may bring their grandchildren."

_______________

Have A Happy Weekend,

Phil

Hi Phil

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a

couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,"Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says,

"Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay" And he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says,

"Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks

alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am.

I'm the Devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."