Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting
senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to
zip down.'
Almost
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's
and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for
I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad
passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his
wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,
'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by
his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,
'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of
'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying'
a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the
lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough
to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't
ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a
pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man
replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.