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Phillip Black

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RE: Go Ahead! Laugh! You Know You Want To!.
12/28/2010 4:48:00 AM

Hi Mary Evelyn,

It's always Great when you stop by and especially when you share a Funny with us. Yes, I had heard that one before, but it's always good for a Smile.

Seems that there was once an Old Country Preacher...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:

a Bible,
a silver dollar,
a bottle of whisky
and a Playboy magazine

‘I’ll just hide behind the door,’ the old preacher said to himself, ‘when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up.

If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard,and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he’s gonna be a skirt-chasin’ bum.’

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s Centerfold.

‘Lord have mercy,’ the old preacher disgustedly whispered, ‘He’s gonna run for Congress!’

And let's finish with a few Words of Wisdom from Maxine...

Have A Terrific Week My Friend,

Phil

“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10
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RE: Go Ahead! Laugh! You Know You Want To!.
12/28/2010 3:53:27 PM

Happy Tuesday Phil, I found this one in my cache and thought I would share it with you.

Don't step on the Ducks !!

Three women die together in an auto accident
and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,
"We only have one rule here in heaven: don't
step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there
are ducks all over the place. It is almost
impossible not to step on a duck, and although
they try their best to avoid them, the first
woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she
ever saw.

St Peter chains them together and says, "Your
punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend
eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps
accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter,
who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another
extremely ugly man. He chains them together
with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not
wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly
man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on
any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever laid
eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular,
and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying
a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to
deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I
stepped on a duck!"
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RE: Go Ahead! Laugh! You Know You Want To!.
12/28/2010 3:56:02 PM

Phil this one is not a joke but since we are so close to the new year I thought I would share it. :)

The Devil Left his Bags
YOU PUT THE DEVIL OUT, BUT DID YOU
LET HIM LEAVE HIS BAGS?
(This is powerful!)

You got out of a bad relationship because
it was bad, but you are still resentful and
angry? (you let the devil leave his bags)

You got out of financial debt, but you still
can't control the desire to spend on frivolous
things? (you let the devil leave his bags)

You got out of a bad habit or addiction, but
you still long to try it just one more time?
(you let the devil leave his bags)

You said, I forgive you, but you can't seem
to forget and have peace with that person?
(you let the devil leave his bags)

You told your unequally yoked mate that it
was over, but you still continue to call?
(you let the devil leave his bags)

You got out of that horribly oppressive job,
but you are still trying to sabotage the
company after you've left? (you let the devil
leave his bags)

You cut off the affair with that married
man/woman, but you still lust after him/her?
(you let the devil leave his bags)

You broke off your relationship with that
hurtful, abusive person, but you are suspicious
distrusting of every new person you meet?
(you let the devil leave his bags)

You decided to let go of the past hurts from
growing up in an unstable environment, yet
you believe you are unworthy of love from
others and you refuse to get attached to
anyone? (you let the devil leave his bags)

When you put the devil out, please make
sure he takes his bags!

HAPPINESS KEEPS YOU SWEET,
TRIALS KEEP YOU STRONG, AND
SORROWS KEEP YOU HUMAN,
FAILURES KEEP YOU HUMBLE,
SUCCESS KEEPS YOU GLOWING,
BUT ONLY GOD KEEPS YOU GOING!

In 2011, Let the devil Take his bags with
him! Be Blessed, Healthy and Happy!
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Phillip Black

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RE: Go Ahead! Laugh! You Know You Want To!.
12/29/2010 4:29:48 AM

Hi Mary Evelyn,

I appreciate the advice. I'll be sure and watch out for those Ducks. That's a Good One My Friend!

I also have to agree with you on that second piece of advice as well. I'll always make sure that the Devil takes his bags with him. Thanks for the Inspiration my Friend.

Here's a couple of Cute stories to help you go to sleep wih a Smile...

A Theory Of Creation

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grand children.

_______________

A Barbershop In Washington , D.C.

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."

The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

_______________

Have A Happy Week,

Phil

“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10
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RE: Go Ahead! Laugh! You Know You Want To!.
12/29/2010 1:28:50 PM

Happy Wednesday Phil, I enjoyed your little cartoon. :) I found the "The Devil Left His Bags" as I was going through a mail.com folder where I store my cache of jokes. I don't even know why it was in this particular folder but it was, just waiting on me to read it I guess because there were a couple that hit me right between the eyes. :) I have also come to the realization that in order to preserve my sanity, I have to make the devil take more of the bags he left. 2010 has been a year of big changes for me, including moving to a new city.

Here's another little tidbit I found also - "When one door closes, another opens....but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." The end of one year and the beginning of a new one is the perfect time to focus on the newly-opened door … and to ignore the closed one.

So my friend, my wish for you is that you have many new doors open for you in 2011.
Here's something I hope you enjoy:

A little boy went up to his father and
asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence
come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you
must have got it from your mother,
cause I still have mine.'

-------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had
been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and said, 'I
don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.'

-----------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask
him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will
have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation,
'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

--------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve
A Redneck Murder:
1.. The DNA all matches..
2. There are no dental records.

--------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks,
'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York
City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and
hangs up..

---------------------------------------------

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't
believe in Hell.'

----------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when
the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling..
'I'm O.. K.. but I didn't like the four
letter-words the doctor used in surgery,'
he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'

---------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes,
my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten
years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit,
so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should
I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied.
'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
....................................................................

The graveside service just barely finished,
when there was massive clap of thunder,
followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
accompanied by even more thunder rumbling
in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and
calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'


:)
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