Hello My Friends, Here's a few more funnies that I've happened across this past week...
First of all, here's a few Signs that...
You're Getting Older
...you find yourself standing next to your car with your keys in your hand, but you can't remember whether you're going somewhere or you just got back.
...you walk out to the parking lot of the mall, and not only did you forget where you parked, but you also forgot what car you were driving.
...your daughter takes you out to dinner, and the cashier takes one look and gives you both senior discounts.
...everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
...you reach down to pull up your wrinkled stockings and realize you don't have any on.
...when you raise your arm, and you find your "muscle" is now on the bottom side.
...when you have as students in your Sunday School Class are the grandchildren of your former students.
...when you sit down to the breakfast table, and the snap, crackle, pop you hear isn't your breakfast cereal.
...when you bend over to tie your shoes and ask yourself, "Is there anything else I need to do while I'm down here?"
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Escaped Lion
A man was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running toward him. He stopped one of the runners and
asked, "What's happening?"
The runner replied breathlessly, "A lion has escaped from the city zoo."
"Oh no! Which way is it heading?"
"Well, you don't think we're chasing it, do you?"
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Chemistry Lesson
This was a story told to us by our chemistry professor at school. A student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.
Out of the corner of his eye, the professor observed what the student was about to do and hurried over. After confirming this was what was intended, he asked the student to first stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.
Puzzled, the student followed after him to ask the purpose of this action.
"It will give me time to get away!" said the professor.
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Getting In Late
The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easily. At 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I
walked through in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty
solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought!
Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh shoot,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then belched."
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Football At Notre Dame
Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a
football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. "I lost my
temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."
"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a
mark across the sleeve of his coat.
"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."
"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.
"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the knee."
"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when
you did these awful things?"
"Southern Methodist."
"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."
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And finally, a sign of the times in which we live...
Stockbroker Or Frog?
Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said, "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker
who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"
One of the women quickly took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed,
"Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"
The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"
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Have A Great Week My Friends,
Phil