Hello Julia
I have considered you as my friend ever since the very first time we spoke. We do have quite a bit in common and I really enjoy talking with you.
You know, the main problem that you talk about, always finding time to care for others but never for yourself, is perhaps one of the most common problems we face in life. Although our situations differ and our circumstances vary, we still make up 1/2
of about 80% of all relationships. We are caretakers. Caretakers cannot be happy unless they have someone to care for. The other half of these relationships consist of people who cannot find self worth unless they can convince someone that they need to be cared for. One feels that they are good
because they care for others. The other feels they must be good or no one would care for them. Lets call them the care needer and the care giver. If by chance the care needer developes their own sense of self worth and no longer needs the care giver to take care of them, the care giver will often times move on to another relationship. They feel unappreciated. They have no sense of self worth because their loved one doesn't "need Them anymore" Other times, the care giver will begin to feel resentment because the needer places too much demand on them. The needer also feels resentment because he feels that he is not getting his needs met. Neither of these people take care of themselves but at least "someone is taking care of the needer"
Who takes care of the giver? Nobody. This might be where you are in life. Who is caring for you Julia. Is there someone who maybe wants to care for you but you won't accept their offering because you are too busy to be nurtured. From my experience, I have seen that there is almost always a self esteem issue in the mix here as well.
The one who is constantly being cared for has no self esteem other than that he derives from feeling worthy enough to have someone care for him. This is an externalized sense of self esteem. Not from within. The one caring for others all the time has no self esteem either except that which is dirived from having others depend on them. This is an internalized self esteem because there is nothing comming back to them from the outside world to show them that they have worth. In other words, I feel good because of what I do for you. Or
I feel good because of what others do for me. Somewhere, we must find a balance. We must develope a sense of self worth based not only on our needs but on the mutual needs of each of those involved in the relationship. The need for this balance is especially important with children. If mother takes care of everything for her child, the child developes a dependency and a sense of self worth based on his ability to get others to care for him.Nothing based on his own ability to care for himself. Then there is the child who has nobody caring for him and he must do everything for himself. He too has a low self esteem because if he were worthy, mother would care for him. The child with equal amounts of care and independence afforded him will have the balance needed to develope a sound sense of self estteem.I;m sorry, I didn't mean to ramble on so much but, I think that if you really think hard about this, you will see that, as a child, you were either not cared for enough or you were cared for too much. This is not to put blame on your parents either though. They only did what they were taught was right. This is what perpetuates the problem down through the generations. OK, I'll quit now. By the way, this is only my opinion of how things might be. I base this on my personal experience and the experiences of those who have shared their lives with me. I can only hope that this helps you in some little way. Don't worry though, things can always change. Especially once you decide to take the steps nessesary to bring about that change. It sounds as though you may have already made that decision.
May a smile follow you to sleep each night,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
and be there waiting,,, when you awaken.
Sincerly, Bill Vanderbilt
Mental Health And Political Forums Respectively
http://community.adlandpro.com/forums/8212/ShowForum.aspx
http://community.adlandpro.com/forums/9637/ShowForum.aspx
Great New Product And Biz Op. Came to me highly recommended by a very good friend. I am just starting and I will keep you all informed as to progress. It really looks good. Here is my link
http://www.aatcm.com/billdaddy
|