Hello Friends,

Betcha didn't know this...

Did you know the average child laughs 400 times a day?
And that the average adult only laughs 70 times per day?
Somewhere in the course of growing old we loose 330 laughs.
That's a lot of laughs! So lighten up and laugh!
You'll be much happier. Make 2010 The Year of Laughs.

Here's a few to get it started off right...

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves. Bill Vaughan

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

New Year: Time to Diet

Well, well. It seems that your weight is perfect. It just happens that you are eleven feet too short.

Dieting - New Resolutions

2006: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2007: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2008: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2009: I will work out 3 days a week.
2010: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

New Year's Day Prayer for One and All

Dear Lord

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen

A New Year's Wish

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Lecture Tour with A Difference

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

Politician in Action

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.

'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'

New Year Jokes - One Liners

To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass

When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year. I gave up thinking.

How to Quit Smoking

Peter, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.

'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Ken responds.
'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies Peter with a grin. 'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'

'Phase one?' wonders Ken.

'Yeah,' laughs Peter, 'I've quit buying.'

New Year's Eve Party - Phantom Guest?

Trevor's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving. During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen. He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. 'You know,' he confided to Trevor, 'I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.' He continued, 'My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.'

A Bad Dream?

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'

'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.

Have A Safe & Happy New Year My Friends,

Phil

Happy Monday everyone and have a wonderful week.

Quote:

Happy Monday everyone and have a wonderful week.

Dear Grim Reaper, So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer Michael Jackson, my favorite actor Patrick Swayze and my favorite singer Stephen Gately and my favorite actress Farah Fawcett. Just so you know, my favorite politicians are Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. :)

Just couldn't resist passing this along.

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.



A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud



A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.....


A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent,and deadly.


A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......



A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces .

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later..


But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget........
Sweet old farts like you!

Kinda brings a tear to your eye - right?

Why not send this on to other old farts and bring a smile...or....tear to them!

Have A Happy Day,

Phil