QUOTES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the
catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman
I had ever seen. I have since been visited by
her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good
beginning and a good ending; and to have
the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife,
you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to
give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single
glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a
cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness ....
But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.....
Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the
disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process
down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ..
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out,
or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to
watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
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And the cardiologist's diet: -
If it tastes good spit it out.
May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.