A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there

is something wrong with you. This is dedicated

to everyone who ever attempted to get into a

regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, I purchased a week

of personal training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape since being a

high school football cheerleader 43 years ago,

I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead

and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations

with a personal trainer named Christo, who

identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics

instructor and model for athletic clothing and

swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm

to get started! The club encouraged me to

keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out

of bed, but found it was well worth it when I

arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting

for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with

blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white

smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the

machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in

which he conducted his aerobics class after my

workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,

although my gut was already aching from holding

it in the whole time he was around. This is going

to be a FANTASTIC week!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made

it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back

and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put

weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the

treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding

smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a

whole new life for me.

_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying

the toothbrush on the counter and moving my

mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a

hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long

as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top

of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my

screams bothered other club members. His voice

is a little too perky for that early in the morning and

when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is

VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo

put me on the stair monster. Why the h*ell would

anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity

rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it

would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said

some other sh*it too.

_______________________________

THURSDAY:

A*sshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like

teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back

in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour

late -- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he

was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He

sent some skinny b*itch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing

machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that b*astard Christo more than any human

being has ever hated any other human being in the

history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic,

little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my

body I could move without unbearable pain, I would

beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't

have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the

floor, don't hand me the d*amn barbells or anything that

weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health

and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been

someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir

director?

________________________________

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in

his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show

up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to

smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked

the strength to even use the TV remote and ended

up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather

Channel.

________________________________

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services

today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is

over. I will also pray that next year my husband will

choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal

or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me

to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with

diamonds!!!

Send this to a friend who needs to laugh.

Hi Evelyn, I've seen that one before but I die laughing each time. Thanks for posting it again.

**********************************************************************

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said: "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said: "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked: "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said: "No, just up to my breasts. I can splash it on my eyes."
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Twenty-First Century Marriage Proposals

A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're what?!?"

A Little Biker Humor

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley
when he sees a girl about to Jump off a bridge
so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he
didn't want to miss an opportunity and he asked,
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished the biker says, "Wow! That was
the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent
you are wasting! You could be famous! Why are you
committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."

:)

English easy?!?
I'll stick to French, LOL!

Can you read these right the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. The English take English for granted. But if they explore its paradoxes, the'll find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, Hmmm! not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. – Why doesn’t “Buick” rhyme with “quick”
A:What did a big chimney say to the small one?
B:??
A:Child you smoke too much!

Am I banned?