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Phillip Black

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RE: Go Ahead & Smile - You Know That You Want To
5/24/2016 5:03:48 AM
Hello Everyone,

Since I haven't had a lot of luck choosing wives in the past, I thought that I would ask ask my Uncle Johnny, since he always has seemed happy with each of his four former wives.

A while back, my Uncle Johnny wanted to get married again and he was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He finally decides to give each woman a present of $5,000 and then watch to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. Uncle Johnny was impressed.

The second lady goes shopping to buy Johnny some nice gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Once again, Johnny was quite impressed.

Finally, the third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000, then she gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, Uncle Johnny was very impressed.

So Johnny thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her...

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.



Have A Magnificent Monday,

Phil
“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10
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Phillip Black

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RE: Go Ahead & Smile - You Know That You Want To
6/6/2016 3:04:42 PM
Hello My Friends,

As I Have gotten up in years, I now notice that my mind tends to wander off in strange directions. For example...

I've been thinking about how much of a status symbol of today are those
cell phones that everyone has clipped on. Of course, I can't afford one,
so I'm wearing my garage door opener.
 
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized
that people didn't like me anyway.
 
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans!
 
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you
still have something on the ball but you are just too tired
to bounce it.
 
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and
call it "Pumping Rust."
 
I have gotten that dreaded "furniture disease." My chest is
falling into my drawers!
 
I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say,
"Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No,
it's for company!"
 
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be
notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write,
"A Good Doctor!"
 
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do . . .write to these men? Why
don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so
the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the
mail?
 
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me...
they are cramming for finals.
 And finally,

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.


Hope Everyone Has A Marvelous Monday,

Phil
“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10
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Phillip Black

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RE: Go Ahead & Smile - You Know That You Want To
6/9/2016 1:01:34 AM
Church Bloopers!

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall - Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11. Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: " Break Forth Into Joy."

14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:

"I Upped My Pledge ! - Up Yours!"


Have A Great Weekend My Friends,

Phil
“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10
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Phillip Black

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RE: Go Ahead & Smile - You Know That You Want To
6/20/2016 7:38:05 PM
Growing Up Isn't What It Used To Be


Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up, ‘I informed him, All the food was slow

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'home,' I explained! 'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it. By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

  • Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
  • My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
  • We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 11, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God. It came back on the air at about 6 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.
  • I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
  • Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was & so was bread.
  • All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers, my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. He had to get up at 5 AM every morning.
  • Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies! There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust their gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

Have A Magnificent Monday,

Phil

“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10
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Myrna Ferguson

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RE: Go Ahead & Smile - You Know That You Want To
6/20/2016 10:19:03 PM
Hi Phil,

I think it would be very difficult to explain how things were when we were kids. I don't think they would believe it.

Remember "Father knows Best"




LOVE IS THE ANSWER
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