lol @ Bj!

Hey Bj,

Just got this in my mail. Not exactly Redneck but close enough LOL

Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the heck alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

In case you didn't know how...

Chris

Hey Chris

Sounds like something a redneck might say.....lol

Redneck Etiquette -

Ears:
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job
that should be done in private using one's own
truck keys. (NOTE: Keys must also be cleaned
regularly, because ear wax buildup can
short circuit a starter switch.)

Brushing & Flossing
Scientists have proven that the use of a toothbrush
(and toothpaste when available) can help people
keep their teeth into their thirties and even beyond.
Dental floss, the modern equivalent of broom straw,
is also helpful. A lightweight monofilament
fishing line works just as well. Remove lures first.

Manicures and Pedicures:
Dirt and grease under the nails is a social no no,
as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry
and alter the taste of finger foods.
Corns and calluses can be removed using
a common potato peeler, remember never
to cut against the grain.

Hair Care

(FOR MEN)
Contrary to popular belief, dandruff is
not an incurable disease. Rubbing motor oil
into the scalp once a week will turn the flakes dark
and then they will not be noticeable.

If you can't afford hair tonic, brake fluid
holds the hair in place and gives it
a dark, Elvis like sheen.

(FOR WOMEN)
While a tall hive of hair is the current rage,
it can be an open invitation to bees and hornets.
A 50/50 mixture of Black Flag and hairspray
can prove to be a girl's best summertime friend.

Driving
When approaching a four way stop,
remember that the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.

When sending your wife down the
road with a gas can, remember that it is
impolite to ask her to bring back a beer.

Remember that the median
is not a passing lane.

Never tow another car using
panty hose and duct tape.

Hey Phil

Posting this one for you.

Redneck Accident Reports:

1. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

2. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

3. I was thrown from my car as it left the road,
and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

4. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

5. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

6. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

7. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

8. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

9. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

10. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

11. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment .

Hey Again Y'all,

BJ, looks like I got some catchin' up to do.  Thanks for all the goodies.

Since you shared those Redneck pickup lines, how 'bout a

REDNECK LOVE POEM

Collards is green, my dawg's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flappin in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack.
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin',
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.  "That's impressive ," I say

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
 Diamonds are forever,"  they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds....IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

______________

Of course, what Family Picnik would be complete without a game of...