PET RULES:
To be posted VERY LOW on your refrigerator door -- nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. All the other dishes are mine and will contain my food. Please note, placing a paw in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR, or NHRA, and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I'll fall faster than you can run out of my way.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a Calif. king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Don't think I will continue sleeping on the edge of the bed, or the couch, for your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball then they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other and you are not to stretch out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking your tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm against humans.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it fur-niture).
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal -- to me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Usually come when called.
5. Never drive your car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink alcoholic beverages.
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't wear your clothes.
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.