I have caused a lot of misery to a lot of people over the years with my compulsions to attempt Suicide. I have probably 'tried' it some 30 or so times, You name it, I'v tried it! The funny thing is no-one ever wants to 'talk' about it. My family and my Husband refuse to discuss it, I can see their pain but sometimes I WANT to talk about it! One of the worst things for a 'suicidal' person is the Isolation, you can have a dozen or a hundred people around you but feel so Isolated. Then when you attemp suicide you become even more Isolated because no-body want's to talk about it! I continued this behavior for 20 years, obviosly i never succeeded as I'm still here and you could easily argue that I did those things as 'a cry for help' 'Attention seeking' or what-ever but I came pretty damn close and it frightens me just thinking about it! about 2 years ago I had a serious 'Wake Up' call, I had an 'attack' of suicidal notions and then I did a terrible thing, I jumped from a pier into a freezing river at 2am and nearly drowned, My poor husband (who witnessed this)was helpless as he can't swim! He refused to jump in and save me but managed to get me a rope and except for spending the following 3 days in bed sufferring from cold and shame, it all ended well, but a week later I was off again, depressed and suicidal. I took myself off to a motorway flyover and climbed over the railings to jump off onto the road below where I would have been killed instantly! There was a commotion as people in cars saw me and called Police. They climbed over and cuffed me to the railings while they swung my body back over onto the safe side and then I was immediatly arrested! I was taken to a custody suite and locked up in a cell for the rest of the night. This had a devastating affect upon me, I had never seen myself as a 'criminal' before, but I guess that's what I was. It is after-all, illegal to take one's life, so there-fore I deserved my punishment. I can honestly say that that night changed my life! This is the first time that I have ever talked to anyone about this. I have never once thought about suicide since that night! I can't bare the thought of the shame that I brought to my husband (he is the only one who knows about the incident)And I can't bare the thought of being seen as a 'criminal' Of course I still get terribly depressed and I also suffer from Anorexia in a big way but I will never again attemp to commit suicide.

Hello Juliana I am glad that you stopped by my forum and talked a little about what you have been through. You are right about suicide being a difficult topic for most people. The people who become depressed enough seldom ever find anyone that they can talk to except maybe someone else who has had the same kind of situation. I have several forums about mental illness and have been in and out of treatment for over 25 years myself. I too, on more than one occaission, have reached the point where I couldn't face another day. I have been involved in mental health in several different settings. A patient, an out patient, a nearly dead patient, chair person leading groups, keynote speaker at a mental health seminar at a state mental hospital and now a mental health consumer / advocate. I want you to know that fromn this point forward, you will always have someone to talk with who does understand your feelings and will not shy away from a conversation no matter how serious it is. Those of us with emotional problems often do not have very many options as far as where to turn when we are in crises. That is why I do what I do. I try to make sure that when someone needs someone to talk to, they will have someone who understands them. On these pages you will find many people who have suffered with any number of illnesses and disorders and together, we all manage to help comfort each other. PLease feel free to come here and post any time you like and if you ever have any questions about where to get help or how to get medications or anything else for that matter, just let me know. Either myself of one of the others on my forums will try their best to help you find the answers you need. So, for now Juliana, take care of yourself and always remember that you are not alone any more OK? Mental Health And Political Forums http://community.adlandpro.com/forumShow.aspx?ForumID=10129 http://community.adlandpro.com/forumShow.aspx?ForumID=9637 http://community.adlandpro.com/forumShow.aspx?ForumID=8212 http://community.adlandpro.com/forumShow.aspx?ForumID=7420 http://community.adlandpro.com/forumShow.aspx?ForumID=8259 Lifetime web building and hosting for under $40. One time payment http://www.superpayline.com/p002859 The most advanced VOIP system there is anywhere. https://wv0079721.betteruniverse.com/members/index.php?action=buy_miphone Better Universe. The People Helping People Company http://wv0079721.betteruniverse.com May a smile follow you to sleep each night, and be there waiting when you awaken. SIncerly, Bill Vanderbilt / Fanbelt

Dear Juliana, {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} My dear friend, you have truly been through all levels of hell and I want to congradulate you in taking the steps you have thus far not only in my forum but in here as well. Talking about yourself and able to get things off your chest is a BEAUTIFUL step to take. It is hard to talk about problems when no one wants to listen, but in here in this forum as well as mine.. people do care to listen and offer as much hope and advice we can. It is hard, living in a world of darkeness sucks and having a husband who doesn't listen makes it even harder. I know I am currently seperated and he was the same way.. never wanting to listen. But now I have a man in my life who loves to listen not only to me, but everyone he is in contact with. He and I will always be here for you and everyone else in here reading this forum will too. I wanted to mention suicide and your eating disorder. As you know.. I am a Anorexic/ Bulimic Survivor...and I DIDN'T know this until I got myself into the support groups and hospital (to have a feeding tube in me).. Anorexica/Bulimia IS suicide... you are slowly killing yourself by NOT eating and staying healthy. You may find that offencive ( I know I did when I was told that information) but you know.. I look back on that now... and it is true. If I didn't get myself better, my daughter would NOT have a mother here today. And I am thankful for the Angel the Creator gave me. And YOU Honey are also an Angel in my life, you are an inspiration to me to continue on the path of recovery. Because my thought is this... as long as I continue to get better and show you my updates.. then that will shed a ray of hope and light to you to stay on the road to recovery. Please just know this much you are in the right frame of mind to SEEK help and share yourself with us. Also... You are among friends and we DO LOVE YOU!!!!! If you EVER need someone to talk to..please never shy alway... there are people who do worry about you and lately you have been on my mind quite a bit. I really do care for you Juliana, and you are like family to me. Please honey, take care of yourself and keep us updated. Love, Ally Anorecix/Bulimic Survivor

Hello Ally And Julianna The discussion that you are getting into here with each other is a wonderful example of how " the group " works to help people overcome their illnesses and their concerns. You two have much in common and as time goes on I believe that you will form a bond that will go a long way towards helping each of you feel better. By feeling better, I don't just mean mentally. I have seen the power of sharing help so many people that I couldn't even begin to count them all. At first, just talking about ones problems with someone who understands, starts to make you feel better. Feeling better each day begins to be an objective for each day and as you feel better and better you are able to understand more about yourself and your situation. As this happens, you will no doubt want to share your joy with others. Once you begin to do this you will notice that others are responding to you and thanking you for your insight and inspiration. This will in turn boost your self esteem and cause you to want to continue helping others. Now you have entered into a cycle that will continue to feed on itself forever if you let it. The better you feel, the more you have to offer. The more you have to offer, the better you feel. Keep up the good work Ladies. I hope that you both find every bit of happiness that this old world has to offer. May a smile follow you to sleep each night,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, and be there waiting,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, when you awaken. Sincerly, Bill Vanderbilt Mental Health And Political Forums http://community.adlandpro.com/forumShow.aspx?ForumID=8212 http://community.adlandpro.com/forumShow.aspx?ForumID=9637 http://community.adlandpro.com/forumShow.aspx?ForumID=8259 http://community.adlandpro.com/forumShow.aspx?ForumID=13254 http://community.adlandpro.com/forumShow.aspx?ForumID=11791 Business Forums http://wv0079721.betteruniverse.com http://www.ourpowerforcedmatrix.com/team.php?UID=10561

Bill, Thank you for a lovely responce. I just love helping others and showing them a light. Yes I see Juliana and I becoming life long friends here in adland, she is a wonderful woman that too had been through so much. And let me tell you, it is hard to face this world alone. I started the Warning Signs forum here in adland to share with others that I too am human, I have "issues" and here they are...wanna really get to know me and who I am and where I came from in life. That is what that forum is there for... and to show others that life in darkness is a scary place, with no one to turn to, talk to, confide in, and being alone is not much of a conversation when facing everyday problems. Like I have said in the past, it has been wonderful being with Juliana on her path to recovery. I am very anxious to see how she does 5 years from now. I will admit this much..... I was Bulimic FREE for 5 years when I relasped and I was in recovery stages with Anorexia when I relapsed. I am happy to say I have been doing so much better now with my eating disorders... in the last almost 7 weeks I went from 97 pounds to 107. I am still underweight, but I am on the right path. Juliana, if you are reading this out there... YOU TOO CAN DO THIS. It will take time and will power, but sweetie, you too will have a success story to share not only with us, but as time goes on, you too will have people come into your path and they might be going through the same thing. And that is where you my sweet sister, will be able to tell your story. I often wondered WHY I went throgh all I did in my life and it wasn't til a few High School (1999)... I LEARNED WHY... because I knew I would cross paths with someone who too is suffering from something simular that I went through.. not just eating disprders but my life as a whole. And Sweetie, hold on you are in for a wonderful ride of excitement, love, laughter, tears and a world where people will SEEK you out. And you will share you knowlege with them. Never give up, Love Ya both, Ally Dodadagohvi, Aisv Nu Wa Do hi Ya oo (Until we meet again, walk in peace)